Can women be cheerful and chunky too?!

The other night my best friend and I were chatting about our eternal struggle with weight. Somewhere between 24 and 27 years old my body stopped letting me binge eat junk food and guzzle down litres of beer without it appearing in the most unflattering way.. and in the most unflattering places.

While we were chatting she said something interesting to me. Her husband in exasperation had asked her "Why are you so concerned about it? We're married, there's no one left to impress!" I thought the sentiment deserved some contemplation. See, on the one hand he is right. Why are we as women so concerned about how we look, fretting and moaning over each pound gained? Why does it matter quite so much to us? This made me wonder, "Why can't women be cheerful and chunky too?"

My sister who was with us said something even more interesting to my friend. She said, "honey, don't become one of those women that let's themselves go after marriage." (A joke I'm sure). But it struck me that this is yet another facet of women's perception of weight that deserves looking into. Are we to assume that the woman who gets fat after marriage has somehow let herself (and possibly her husband and children) down? And that a woman who doesn't allow herself to fall into this trap is worthy of respect and praise?

Yes and no. On the one hand society celebrates the fit and strong, and looks down on the weak and unfit. And as evolved as the human race has become, this primitive, instinctual analysis of our 'herd' has not changed.

But on the other hand does the woman who stays fit after marriage somehow symbolise happiness and self-worth? Is it really so black and white? From personal experience I can say that I have never been happier than I am in my marriage. And if I have put on weight in recent years it's only because I'm having such a darned good time. Having lived predominantly with only women earlier it was easy to watch my weight (women watch other women's diets so closely I'm surprised we eat anything at all!), and moving in with my foodie husband was liberating.

But we as a society never look deeply enough into why women maintain the weight they do. If a woman is overweight does it necessarily mean that she is careless, sloppy and doesn't have the self esteem to look after herself? Or could it mean that she is filled with hope, happpiness, joie de vivre and a few kilos don't matter to her in the grand scheme of things?

If a woman is fit, toned and sporting a size zero dress does that mean that she's got it made? Does it mean she's successful, and happy, at peace with her body and life? Or could she also be struggling to stay on top of this rat race that's fashion and lifestyle in the 21st century, counting calories and never truly letting her hair down?

Or could it be that for many women, fat, medium or thin, that's just their body? What an incredible idea!

At the end of this diatribe you should know that I'm going on a diet, because I 'don't want to let myself go'. And when I squeeze into dresses currently too tight for me I'm sure I'll be happy, but the part I want to remember at that time is that I am already happy. This is just some frosting on the cake.

Growing pains? Not so much

In 2011, I withdrew from the world of blogging, imagining (incorrectly) that I was 'getting too old for it'. I berated myself for being too much of an open book, and having such an external locus of identity that I needed to share my every waking thought and emotion with the world at large.

I think perhaps there was some truth to it. I've always had to be the one with the best story, which invariably leads to me sharing just a little too much information.. to the discomfort of both me and my audience sometimes. But in the past three years several things have happened.

1. I went away to college and got my post graduate degree in journalism
2. I met a wonderful man and got married
3. We adopted two ridiculously cute cats
4. I resumed work and I'm employed as a content writer with a local NGO
5. I learned how to be happy (happier) with myself, and by myself

It occurred to me that I believed that I was leading this charmed existence of parties, alcohol and a seemingly unlimited supply of money (seriously how did I manage?!), and it was loads of fun. But I had no idea who I was beyond the glossy exterior, and because I didn't know any better I mirrored myself based on the world's expectations of me.

I tried to be the world's best daughter to my mother, the Carrie-est Bradshaw of them all to my girl friends, and the local femme fatale to the boys. But somewhere along the way I started to snap out of my Sweet Valley High perception of life.

I started to see the world around me as it really is. When it rains the world looks slushy and sloppy, and not like the sexy dance scene in Step Up 2, when couples fight it can get ugly and angry, not steamy and delicious like a Mills & Boons novel. Sometimes we'll both be too angry with each other to apologize first, all of our friends and family will not stick by us through thick and thin, jobs sometimes suck and money can start becoming a problem. Such a despairing point of view to adopt isn't it? Not really. I found that when I emerged from my candy-floss view of life, and got over resenting growing up, I was quite enjoying it.

Yes I pay taxes, do grocery shopping, and our cats stop us from just taking off into the horizon on a whim, but it's still great, because it's real. Oh I do still have evenings where I drink too much, wake up with a hangover and swear I need to grow up a little more, but the biggest thing I've learned is that life is not all black and white the way i used to think it was. I am neither teenager nor adult. I'm neither childish nor mature. Happy or unhappy. Smart or stupid. I am all of these things for some time, at different points of time, and it's been embracing this concept that has made me realise that whatever else i am, for the most part I am content.

Making over

Over the past year I have shared nearly every thought, emotion, upset and hurt I've been feeling on this blog, and while it's been extremely purging and satisfying , I find myself wondering whether this is the path I want to continue on.
This blog has always been about me, about my life, my men, my mistakes and my triumphs. But now I feel like there is a part of myself that has matured beyond wanting to air it all out. My readers have always been loyal, understanding, slow to judge and always, always with a sense of humour and I have felt comfortable exposing my silly mistakes, my sometimes very bad romantic decisions and my controversial points of view safe in the knowledge that at the end of the day there will be little harm done from them.
I am not going to end this blog, as I feel I always have something of relevance to say :) but I will be changing what I write about. I think it's time for a change, and while I evolve I want my blog to evolve with me.
So keeping with that, the first thing I'd like to change is the name of this blog. Most of you who know me and who have been keeping yourself updated on this blog now know the kind of person I am. So your suggestions would be more than welcome. Because to me, this blog is now not only about me, but about my readers as well... And also because I seem to lack any imagination whatsoever where it comes to naming this blog. So please go nuts.. and help me bring 'The Ramblings of a (no longer teenage) drama queen' into the adult era.. :)..

It's time to clean house

Something that has always bugged me about this country is the level of corruption that everyone seems to stoop to so very easily. The kind that really affects you in your life everyday. The auto driver who refuses to use the meter, and charges extra because he knows he can, the vegetable wallah that gives you rotten food or cheats on the weighing scale to make a few extra bucks, the maids or the drivers who steal from you when your back is turned...

Somehow we've learnt to live with all these forms of corruption, and even turned them into 'Indianisms' in our head to help pave the way.. But the one that really gets to me, that I just cannot seem to stomach is the state of our police force.

I find it unforgivable that the institution set into place to instill a sense of security and comfort in the minds of the people, actually serves to terrorize and loot from the very people they are meant to protect.

I've always known the disposition cops have towards making the easy buck, whether it's from someone speeding, cutting a red light or even drinking and driving. And I too have always rolled my eyes at the corrupt ways of our nation but been party to the begging and pleading for another chance, and finally the covert exchange of a few hundreds.. which today has become a few thousands! I guess inflation misses no quarters!

But the last weekend, I was in Mumbai and as is the norm, I got tossed out of Tavern in Colaba with my drink in hand, when the place shut. While I was finishing up my drink, we were standing on the front porch of the hotel, taking pictures and generally having a good time with no objection from the hotel staff. We suddenly had two cops pull up in front of us on bikes demanding to know from my two (male) friends how they can allow a girl stand on the street and drink! Heaven forbid! They were backed up by two more cops who showed up on bikes (to add to the show of police dominance, or to get their cut of the cash I assume). We were spared the pain of having to fork up the money since the hotel staff vouched for us, but I did have to suffer the indignity of being shuttled out of sight with my beer glass into a taxi, and then having it taken away from me to pacify the brutes.

The very next night, when I got back to Pune we went out for a few drinks for a friends birthday. We left the place at 11.30 pm, in two taxis to make our way back to hostel. Around twelve, the second taxi, transporting two male and one female companion was stopped at a check post. We discovered the taxi was in fact a private vehicle, and the driver didn't have the necessary papers. This was all it took for the cops to get into character. I've seen moral policing before, but this time they took it beyond anything I've ever heard of.. Unfortunately, I wasn't surprised. They demanded to know their details of course, and then refused to believe that the three (my friends) were students of Symbiosis since the college has not issued any identification to us (three months into the course). They went from dominating and aggressive to downright sleazy by asking the girl in question if one of the men was her 'lover'. Upon her indignant denial, they shrugged and said it looks that way. Why that would even be relevant to the situation is anyones guess. And to me, the situation still stands at not being anyone's problem but the taxi driver's, but there you have it. They focus on targeting their accusations to the people who will be able to hand over the money and not the people actually at fault.
My three friends were held on the street by the cops for over an hour, at twelve at night, with no money, while the cops hurled accusations at them. True to form, the cops demanded Rs 3000/- from them (on what grounds I'm not sure) else they were taking them all to jail! Despite the law clearly stating that cops cannot arrest a woman after sun down, unless a female cop is present. They badgered and terrorized these three 21 year old kids, who are barely out of grad school; who barely have any life experience or cash; who should ideally look to their local police to safeguard their rights and interests, with no concern for their well being.

Unfortunately, the reason why my friends could not argue with the cops if they wanted to, aside from the general fear of going to prison, was because they were in the wrong as well. They were 21 years old and under the influence of alcohol, while the legal drinking age in Maharashtra is 25.

As a nation, I believe we have an inherent predisposition towards breaking the rules. Even as citizens we are unable to follow traffic signals, wait our turn in queues, follow the speed limit, not drink before the accepted age limit, not drink and drive.. the list goes on.

But my quarrel with the cops is that yes, as citizens we have much to do to improve, but by god, so do they! They could have penalized the taxi driver for not having his papers in order, and my friends for drinking under the age limit. They could have taken the men to the cop station if needed and let the lady carry on, to be summoned after sun rise. They did not have to delve into matters of no concern to them. Who was anyone's lover in that car was no issue to anyone except the consenting adults involved.

I find it unfortunate that as a citizen of this country, I can honestly say that I would never trust a cop, that I would trust a civilian in my hour of need over a cop. I do acknowledge that there are decent, honest members of the police force out there, but they're so few and far between, I wouldn't risk placing my life in the hands of the wrong one.

The entire message survives in a vicious cycle of information. Our own media, our television and our movies, propagate characteristics - the threatening, aggressive cop; the violent bearer of justice; the stern upholder of morality.. all of which are sure enough, fulfilled in real life by our lumpy, dumpy wholly unimpressive police force.

I think its time, as a matter of personal choice, that people stop indulging themselves and the system. The reason this has gone on so long, is because we as citizens are no less at fault against the charge of indulging or abetting corruption than the cops are. I'm not suggesting we start a revolution to over throw the system here. I believe the system has been put in place for a reason, and it could work. But we as believers in a better way, have to stop taking the easy way out, so that when we stay strong and fight against corruption, we actually have a leg to stand on.

Here's to having faith

With my relationship having gone up in smoke, I've spent the last few weeks concentrating on class, friends and the like. It's been good, and I've been trying to teach myself to stop leaning towards finding someone new.

Since my break up with what could be the great love of my life two years ago, I've drfted from one short, meaningless relationship to the next trying to replicate the love and companionship that I had previously shared. I've been told that what I had with this man is the real thing, and that he is my 'eternal'. Sometimes I'm tempted to think the same. It seems like the kind of thing that would last forever. Unfortunately we just ran out of fizzle.

Seems like a rather frivolous reason to send the relationship down the toilet doesn't it? But both of us being immensely physical people, this situation just didn't seem feasible anymore. Don't get me wrong, we did think it over several times. Every few months to be precise. After all, how could two people who obviously love each other like crazy not date just because there's no spark?? That kind of thing can be worked on, right?.. Wrong. Trust me, we tried. And eventually we started to do too much damage to how we see each other even out of the bedroom. And it shouldn't have to be so hard. So finally, one say we said enough. That we will never try to make this work again.. And that's the story of how the love of my life became my best friend.

Unfortunately that brings me to where I am today. With a history of trying to fill the gap. It seems difficult for me to believe that I will find someone who I can connect with the way I did with my ex boyfriend, but I have to believe that there is someone like that out there and when I'm older and wiser I'll find him and we'll live happily ever after.. Otherwise, I'm screwed.

The Verdict

I have recently discovered that my prince was in fact a frog.

A need to understand what happened and why, led me to do a little investigating about the man I had served my heart up on a platter to. It turns out that I was nothing more than the latest victim in his line of conquests.. his con job, if you will.

I am sure there are going to be people who will think that this is the rant of a bitter woman, those who will stand by him and defend him.. But this is what I have heard, and from his actions, what I'm inclined to agree with.

I don't believe in confrontations and tantrums, I'm not interested in an apology (which I doubt he's interested in giving), I'm not even interested in explanations. I want nothing more to do with him, for if this is his caliber, he is no where close to the man I credited him with being.. and I judge him very harshly.

Shit.

Im not sure what to say about it.. I'm not sure I really understand..
Well actually my brain gets it, but somewhere along the way it all gets muddled up in my head and I don't know what to think.
Maybe it's silly to get upset about it, after all it was only three months, and it probably was more trouble than it was worth.. but still..
I know we were arguing a lot, and I wasn't surprised when he told me it was over, but I suppose somewhere I hoped that we wouldn't come to that.
But we did, and he seemed very sure that this is what he wanted, so I don't harbour any hope that things will work out for us, and i dont harbour any (real) ill will against him..
I don't know what I'm really upset about.. the fact that I pinned so many hopes on this, the fact that I had invested so much into it, or that I thought we were both in it for the long run, or the fact that it turns out he wasn't.
Either way, Im upset and annoyed, and I don't have anything to say.. more so because all my brain keeps coming up with is 'what just happened'....I get it.. and yet I don't.

The first of (hopefully) many

I thought I would share with you all the first of my baby steps towards becoming a journalist. It's not much, but it's a start. This is my first lead story featured in the Wire, SIMC's online news portal..... Yay!

Is there an end?

Leah George
PUNE
Anders Breveik, the Norwegian right wing extremist who carried out gruesome attacks to express his militant ideology against the Muslims, believes that they are ‘colonising’ Europe. In his manifesto, 2083 – A European Declaration of Independence which was issued under the pseudonym “Andrew Berwick” that he shared on the internet hours before the attack, he outlines his beliefs and rationale regarding the attacks. The manifesto brings to light his ultra nationalistic and xenophobic beliefs including anti Islamisation, cultural conservatism and Serbian paramilitarism. He calls for the extermination of Islam in Europe and the end of multi culturalism.
Breivik claims the root of Europe’s problems lie in their lack of cultural self confidence. He rails against the inability of the people to stand firm on their sense of nationalism for fear of sparking fascist elements.
While he claims not to hate Muslims, he also acknowledges that he will not tolerate Muslim presence in Europe and warns the European public that all Muslims who have not been completely assimilated into the European society by 2020 will be deported as soon as his group seizes power.
Expressing his solidarity with his “Serbian brothers” he expresses his regret and sympathy over the US and European bombing of Serbian forces to halt their bid to deport Albanian Muslims back to Albania.
Breveik speaks of his decision to oppose the infiltration of Muslims into Europe. In his manifesto he says, “Protesting is saying that you disagree. Resistance is saying you will put a stop to this. I decided I wanted to join the resistance movement.”
Breveik clearly states in his manifesto that he believes that no price is too great for the cause he believes in. he states that “it is better to kill too many than not enough, or you risk reducing the desired ideological impact.” He advises the world to get used to the idea that some innocents will die in their operations, simply due to being in the wrong place at the wrong time. That these are some of the casualties in the war he is waging.
Breveik makes it abundantly clear that he will not cease or desist in his fight against multi cultural forces invading Europe. He says that he will “make certain everyone understands we, the free peoples of Europe, are going to strike again and again.” That there will be no end.
In his manifesto, he commends Japan for not allowing Muslims to immigrate, although the country does not have any specific ban on any ethnic or religious group.
It is obvious that Breveik has an extremist’s point of view, and thankfully he has now been apprehended. But there are bound to be more Breveiks out there and the more worrisome question is, how many?

A lot of nothing...

The problem with a course like what I'm doing, that involves so much writing ALL the time, is that the idea of coming back to your room, to write about what you've been writing about all day is a little depressing..
I love this blog, but of late, I've found myself wondering what on earth I'm going to write about!
I mean, class progresses as usual, I'm meeting the same people everyday, the assignments are piling up, and though it's a subject close to my heart, there's only so much I can talk about food!
Beyond the obvious writer's block I'm facing, I'm also just so tired! You don't understand it! I work from 8.30 to 8.30.... six days a week.. and I walk so much... and horrifyingly, I'm getting used to it! But by the end of the day, all I have left in me is some mindless facebook time and a few telephone conversations.. and god forbid anyone asks me to sound intelligent.
But now that I'm writing this, I suppose I should carry on to what's happening in my life.
I'm sitting here, bathed (having managed to catch the hot water by some twist of fate), in my pajamas, waiting in earnest for what's bound to be an awful dinner. My day has been good.
Life is looking up with my trip home almost within touching distance. Anyone acqainted with me for over a year has been witness to the greedy, birthday crazy beast I become one month before the fact.. alas, this year, other than short bursts of manic joy, the beast lies in exhausted slumber... at least till some more time has passed. But I've spent a lot of time wondering what I want.. and I want food.. Good food.. and a massage.. a long one, not those shady three minute ones that just let you know what you're missing.. I want hot water available 24 hrs a day... I want to wear a dress that shows off my legs..so I remember what they look like.... I want to have tea brewed on the stove.......
The list may seem long, but my wants are simple..... so please.. please, someone give me a massage...!

This truly is all in a days work!

Life in college has started accelerating to a point that I cannot believe that just a little over three weeks ago I was cribbing about how I was wasting time, and how I couldn't believe I had wasted nine lakhs to sit around all day playing games.
Now my days are defined by 8.30 to 8.30 classes, six days a week, and frantic movement from lectures to cells and clubs.. and then of course the dreaded assignments.. I cannot begin to explain to you the delirious pleasure a Sunday morning now gives me.
When I first got here, and I was primed for the fantastic party life I'd heard so much about, I would race off into the city a few times a week for some good old urban living. Now however, it's a miracle if I manage to make it to the foot of the hill once a week to grab a few beers... (although I must confess, on the days I do manage, I more than make up for my absence)..:)
But I have to admit, I really enjoy it. For the first time in my life, I'm actually starting to feel like I'm studying about things that I've always wanted to know.. things that are relevant. Alright, so we'll ignore the fact that I'm not the most well read person on a number of things in class.. but I do make up for it with my zeal, enthusiasm.. and quick research..
In the few weeks I've been here, I've discussed the Iraq war, the Kashmir conflict, farmer suicides, Salwa Judum, Picasso, Turner, Bernini, Indian theatre, the Babri Masjid demolition, watched the Matrix, Motorcycle Diaries and Peepli Live (which had to be translated to me line by line).. and its been interesting, stimulating, passionate and sometimes a little daunting.
I dash out of a day of thinking out of the box; questioning what I believe; stepping aside for someone else's view and patting myself on the back for a point well made, to running madly to my Online Branding meets where we endeavour to put SIMC's 'best foot forward'..(I love that phrase.. what does it even mean?!)...From here, your valiant soldier forges on to the cell meet for SIMC Wire (the online news portal) to struggle through my understanding and reinterpretation of the business world...(oh no!).. and just when you think it's over, you discover the mess is serving sludge and you have two hours of reading material ahead of you.
Obviously, when I finally hit the bed, it's with the desperation of a dying woman and there are some mornings I would rather cut my arm off than get out of bed.. but it's worth it because for the first time in my life I can actually feel myself getting educated. And it fills that space in my head that's always felt a little empty.. :)

My slice of happiness

The last few weeks were havoc on my personal life to say the least, so as the time drew near for my boyfriend to show up, I was caught between trepidation as to how it would turn out, and off-the-charts excitement at finally seeing him again. Of course it didn't help when he sweetly informed me that he's not the kind of guy to get excited about these things. Talk about deflating! :)
When he did show up (late), I had already made up my mind that nothing would spoil our little interlude, and there would be no more fighting. Of course, about three hours later, I opened my mouth, and it all came tumbling out. In a nutshell I sort of accused him of forgetting about me when he's in Bangalore, only to be calmly told..'But baby, that's me'.... to which I sputtered something about how it doesn't have to be that way... Faced with his absolute incomprehension of this concept, I could do nothing but subside... for about five minutes.
Anyway, long story short, we did talk, he did listen and we did work things out.
I think most of what we were arguing about, while it did mean something to me, was also brought on by the distance. But the part that really stuck with me was when he told me that what he had always liked about me is my independence, and my ability to have my own life in exclusion to him.. which is now apparently fading. Needless to say, I was quite, quite outraged, but in the greater interest of carrying on the conversation, I didn't kick him, as I would have very much liked to have done. That statement stayed with me for quite a while later, after all, I couldn't understand why wanting some sort of regular contact with your far away boyfriend could classify you as clingy. I was out all day with my friends, in classes. I was not hiding in my room, crying into a pillow..But then I came to the conclusion he just might have a point.
Although I don't think I have to call him any less, or text him any less, or expect any less from him, I had come to set too much store by his responses, his attention and his time. It was not a dependency, it was a habit. And, of course, a habit I intend to kick.
The entire time he was here was absolutely blissful.. We lazed in bed watching movies, making out, eating and generally feeling (what my fluff books would call) decadent..It was perfection. Of course I howled incessantly into my pillow when he left, but that's practically a pre-requisite.. :) And eventually, I stopped howling, got out of bed, got into a cab and got back to classes and reality. Which, it turns out, is not so bad either :)

It's all a matter of perspective..

There are times I feel ridiculously young, and there are times I forget that I'm not yet twenty four. This is one of those times. You would think the fact that I'm back in college would make me feel like a kid again, but all it does is make you feel older than all the other twenty one year olds there. To cap this off, my personal life has taken a drastically serious twist. Admittedly probably because of me, and my need to discuss everything, sort everything out and categorize then sub-categorize every mood, expression and feeling.
Needless to say, I've worn myself out. I have analyzed and then over analyzed every aspect of my relationship this past week to such an extent that I have reached the point of nearly being ex-communicated by my friends.. and then I analyzed some more.
I've driven myself so crazy this past week, that the idea of just switching off mentally and retiring into my own pleasant little world with retro music playing in the background and maybe a semi nude Virat Kohli (yea he's my latest obsession) wandering about, is a very appealing prospect.
Unfortunately for me, I also find it extremely difficult to switch off emotionally. I like to have my daily hit of love and affection, and as important, share the same..
But of late, I think I've been overloading my system with great floods of emotion. The problem with being in a new place, with new people, is that you tend to cling to the familiar. Or in my case, focus too much on the familiar.. When you care a great deal about something, you worry about losing it and as a result you risk smothering it. You forget that sometimes maybe a little bit of distance and forgive the word, indifference can be a good thing.. That it's healthy.. and once you realise that, it's also a relief. It's a relief to stop focusing so strongly on something else and focus on yourself instead. I'm a person who's had a very involved relationship with herself for years, and as much as I love my boyfriend, and the relationship I'm in..I'll always love myself more. And I believe that can only be a good thing..:)

Back to the grind

It's been exactly two weeks since I moved base to Symbiosis, and now that I finally have a laptop (yay) I can continue to keep this blog going.
When I first got here I was shocked at how easily I slipped back into college and hostel life. It was almost like I'd never left. I unpacked in an hour, figured out where the water cooler was, stocked up on coffee, tea, sugar, milk powder, cup noodles etc, and slept like I'd been drugged on my first night here. I also discovered that hostel food is the same, the nation over, that dal will always be watery, and if you have enough pickle, the human body can consume almost anything.
I met a ton of people and of course had the usual initial trouble of not really knowing who to talk to and where I fit in, but knowing that as long as there is someone standing near me, and talking to me, I'm fine. But through all this, strangely I was not in the least bit homesick.
I think it hit me around day five or six. That's when you've been gone long enough for people to stop making the sympathy calls, and u're pretty much left to entertain yourself. Needless to say, I was at my whiney best for these few days.
Luckily, before I bored myself senseless with the incessant cribbing and whining about how it's so cold, and i'm so far away from everyone, and I'm on top of a hill, and there are bugs in my loo, and an earthworm fell on my head, and someone saw a snake and the classes are a cycle ride away, and i didn't know where to smoke... see how it goes? :) Well, as I was saying, before I went completely mad, I started to find a couple of people along the same wave length as me, and started to have a little fun, and explore some of Pune's watering holes.
Now, I know I came here to study, and that still remains the goal. But when you've sat through one weeks worth of (strenuous) team bonding sessions, followed by one weeks worth of horrifically (like seriously makes you want to try and rip your head off, just to see if you can) dull disaster management sessions, a whole lot of alcohol is in order.
So while I still think of home, and miss some people terribly, my life at college is starting to fall into place one day at a time... Each day's a few more familiar faces, longer conversations in between classes, few more people at my table for dinner and regulars for drinking sessions and smoke breaks..:)
All in all, it's good to be back in college.

Fighting for my Cheese...

After the long, drawn out wait to leave for college, the day is finally upon me.. and I'm not ready to leave. Not yet.
While I am excited about studying, and moving out of Bangalore, and meeting new people, there's also a side of me saying, 'But I haven't had enough time'.. In my last post, when I so flippantly made the statement about how we hardly have any time with each other, I didn't realize how strongly I would come to mean it. And I find myself wishing for maybe just a little more. Even if its just a day.
On the flip side, I am trying to stay positive about the whole thing. After all, people do this every day! Now I know I've never done a long distance relationship, and I'm not disregarding how difficult it's going to be at times, but the fact is, if the concept exists, it can be done.
There is a side of me that hopes that when the going gets tough, he's not going to be the one to bail. Being the person with the knowledge of what lies ahead could be as bad as being the person who goes in blind, if not worse. At least all I'm going into this armed with is my optimism, he has the weight of his experience.
But if you were to ask me why I would want to put myself through this, I look at it this way. All my life I staunchly stuck to my stand that I do not believe in a long distance relationship. I wasn't even willing to do it for a relationship I had dedicated four years of my life to. Then along came this man who I could tell was different, and special.. and the more I've got to know him, I find that he's so much more.. So how could I not want to follow this through? And I also like to think that maybe, just maybe, I've grown up enough in the last few years to be able to give it a fighting chance.
So to that end, let the good times..... and the bad times, roll.

There's a new man in town

I've found myself shying away from the prospect of writing another entry in this blog, because then I would be forced to introduce to you the man I now call my boyfriend, which I wasn't prepared to do.. until now.

Following what could only be called a whirlwind romance in Bangalore, where everything just fell into place like pieces of a jig-saw puzzle (to the point that it was a little scary), we reached the other extreme in Goa where the glass shattered and we were exposed to a side of each other than we had possibly never fathomed.

While this might have made many a person throw in their cards, it made no difference to me. Not that I disregarded everything that I learnt about this man in Goa, but just that I refrained from judgement. We had our talks about what I believed was acceptable behavior to me and what was not, and he had his own issues to raise with me. We're trying to find a compromise :)

This man, this rather complex and contrary man, with his moods, and his hang ups (that i sometimes don't agree with), who is tremendously vocal, and yet dies at the slightest hint of PDA (im working on that), who makes me feel special, makes me laugh, takes my case, doesn't play cards (wtf??!) and thinks my endless chatter and cuddle noises are entertaining.. This man, is a man I would very proudly call my boy friend.. if the cards permit.

Because as is befitting its very twisted sense of humor, the universe has thrown us together with barely any time before I leave the city for college. Now we don't know what we're going to do, and we haven't made any decisions, and I don't even know if we know what we want to happen..... so I have to fall back on my tried and tested phrase of 'Have faith'.

Preparing to launch

"You know what’s weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change, but pretty soon, everything’s different"... I found this on a friends Facebook wall, and I was intrigued by the statement.

I have done nothing but spend the last few months in Bangalore cribbing about how nothing changes, and each day just drifts into the next. And now suddenly, here I am on the precipice of change, and I find it daunting to say the least.

Looking back on the last few weeks, I wasn't terribly excited about the idea of going to Symbiosis.. In fact, I was quite ambivalent about the whole thing. I had hardly given it more than a second thought. And yet, suddenly, here I am, on the last week of my job and suddenly everything is going to start moving so fast!

I have six days to quit, barely a few days to get reoriented, then I shoot off to Goa, followed by Cochin, and I come back to Bangalore with barely enough time to pack, say my goodbyes and leave for Pune. Aaah!

Now I know this is a good thing because I am ready to leave Bangalore and I think it's been adequately established that Bangalore is definitely not the place for me, but still..... i HATE change!.. it's so ugh!....

Alright, so this is not going to be my most eloquent post... But you'll forgive me I'm sure, as I'm indulging in a moment of personal trauma.

I find myself watching my suitcase above the cupboard like it's a time bomb and the day I pull it down and dust it off, is the day the clock starts ticking... Not a pleasant feeling I assure you. However, soon the moment passes and my apprehension is replaced by an almost manic sense of buoyancy at the prospect of moving on to the next stage of my life.. Really, throw some hot flashes in with these mood swings, and I think I'll be ready for early menopause!

But reading back on this post, and all things considered... and my usual mental stability taken into account, I think I'm in a good place.. don't you think? :)

This game of love :)

I have come to the not so startling revelation that I don't like not getting what I want.

Now this is usually a problem for me only when it comes to men. Everything else has only a certain number of conditions that are usually met through hard work and persistence.

However, unfortunately, hard work and persistence don't seem to really produce the desired results where men are concerned, due to annoying factors like stubbornness, a conscience, and worst of all, a mind of their own.

This whole thing that men only think with their umm, staff, is all bull.. there are quite a few of them who don't. Whatever happened to just satisfying good old curiosity anyway?? :)

Before I come off sounding completely sex starved, I must clarify.. Its not that I've been living a nun like existence and I'm ready to start climbing the walls (though Im sure there are a few people who wished that was in fact the case, like my father), but if I were to be completely and brutally honest with myself, it all boils down to ego.

My ego is so huge, that I cannot fathom not getting a guy I want, and it drives me to distraction that no amount of flirting, plain speech, batting my eye lashes and short skirts do the trick. For me, flirting and flings are a game (relationships I take much more seriously), and I always win.. that's just the way it's been..:)

And while I can concede defeat where necessary, I have no intention of changing a thing..I guess I do have a competitive side after all.

So this is what Hell's like....

When my boss came up to me on Wednesday evening to tell me he'd be working from home the next day, I didn't think much about it. Little did I know what was in store for me.

Being pretty obsessive about my work, I usually know what has to be done, by when.. so I had it all planned out in my head. My six PPTs were supposed to be ready to be shipped out by 1.00 PM, and I had the rest of the day to do whatever came my way. No biggie.

Everyone in life has a nemesis, and it turns out that mine is Microsoft Power Point. Aside from having a rather irrational fear of power point, my system at work decided to throw another spanner in the works by crashing every time I opened more than one presentation. But me being me, kept it cool, and just asked for a little more time to send them across.. By 4.30, when none of the presentations had been sent and the calls were beginning to come in, I was starting to feel the heat a little. And there's something a little more scary about international calls coming in to fire you rather than national.. it's almost like they're going to try and get their moneys worth. Would this be an appropriate time to mention that the air conditioner at work had given up the ghost as well?

Anyway, I finally managed to send them out only to have them fly straight back into my inbox with raging messages from the client about inconsistencies in color schemes (all due to a very bad brief), calculation errors (ok, my bad).. and then eventually something about a consolidated PPT deck created across all the others...(blink)...... By this time I was beginning to hyperventilate. Being cold and heartless as clients are meant to be, they just steam rolled through my panic and misty eyes, and continued to call every three minutes till I finally snapped and called my boss and dumped all over him.

Eventually, we never really got all the work done, it was 11.00 at night, and I was the last one at work, with no cab, and I needed to get home. So we prioritized, and got through as much as we could, and resigned ourselves to a filthy email in the morning.

Oh, to add to this, I am also pms-ing, and been off the nicotine for 48 hours.

Finally I lock up and leave, and of course cant find a ric, so I start trekking to the main road, and wouldn't you know it, I walk right into cow dung.. not just stamp in it but walk through a huge pile of it.. enough of it to actually slow me down (that's how I noticed it). By this time I was starting to lose my will to fight, so other than muttering a few curses, I just carried on.

When I reached home, you'd think that's the end of a god awful day, but wait, I have to keep working! As I struggle to finish my days work, I somehow drop my phone, annoy my mother and to cap it off, my computer stalls! Finally, finally I finish up, and all that's left is to send the damn file out.. surprise surprise, the website is down. So an hour later, at 2.45 to be precise, the possibly worst day of my life thankfully draws to a close..

I usually end all my posts on a relatively optimistic and uplifting note, but I can't think of anything salvageable about this day. So my advice to you is, if you find your day turning down this path, call in sick for the rest of the day, run home, crawl under your blanket and go to sleep.

A woman reunited with herself...

This morning I woke up and realized that I cannot remember the last time I actually took the time to relax and just be....

I suppose it all started with general boredom, but somehow as life progresses with this frantic need for constant entertainment, you tend to lose focus on yourself amidst the whirl of friends, going out, parties, game nights, gossip and sometimes arguments and drama..

Now for those of you who are wondering what's happened now, nothing really triggered this off.. It's just that I believe that even your soul has a voice, and if you go long enough without paying attention to yourself, you start feeling it crying out for attention and time..

I've found that from the moment I wake up in the morning to the moment I'm falling asleep at night, my every thought is centered around someone else and I'm not talking about this in an altruistic way. I mean that while my thoughts may be connected to me, they are also so intertwined with what someone else may have said, thought, suggested, what they may think of me, why they haven't done something, why they did something, whether they're annoyed at me, whether i'm reading too much into a look or a face or a situation, whether we're getting on each others nerves..And these are normal, everyday human thoughts that just flit through your mind, and become a part of your conversation and a part of your life before you realize the toll they're taking on you. I think the reason that we don't feel the weight of our thoughts is because they're spread out over the many people that you care about and come in contact with in an average day.

Well today, I woke up, made myself a cup of tea, stood in a small patch of sunlight on my balcony and took a deep breath and just enjoyed the moment of absolute silence.. and it's as simple as that.. It's not that I forgot who I was or lost myself.. I just forgot to pay attention to myself.. beyond the obvious taking care of my food, water, clothing and shelter.. I forgot to give my self some peace and quiet, I wrote off spending time alone as boring, I stopped pampering myself with long showers and music in the back ground, and walks in the sun, and shopping for good, decent books to read. I forgot that friends and family while I love them, do need time apart from each other to keep things good, and most importantly, whether you like it or not.. I forgot that familiarity will breed contempt.

At the brink of oblivion

I find myself toying with the idea of maybe letting this blog go. Or more realistically speaking, I'm thinking of paying less attention to it. The reason I'm doing this is because I am finding it increasingly dissatisfying to write in this space and receive no feedback, interaction or even general interest from my readers. To be honest, I'm not even sure if I have readers!

When I started this blog, I had no idea that it would take off and generate the kind of interest from my friends, and even friends of friends, that it did. It was intended to be primarily for me, as an outlet for my thoughts and emotions, and a tool with which to hone my writing skills. Then as each post I added was received with more followers and support, the blog also became about my readers, and my ability to engage with them through my words. And now I suppose the Leo in me is simply not happy with this sudden lack of interest.

It could be perceived that I'm throwing a tantrum (which I most certainly am), but I also must point out that I feel a loyalty and responsibility to my 20 followers to keep this blog updated, and interesting, and witty and entertaining (achieving the last two is no easy feat)... and all a girl wants is some vocal support for cryin' out loud!!

So come on people, if you want this blog to continue, comment, engage, spread the word, follow.. MAKE ME HAPPY!!