In Search Of The Elusive Rupee

All my life, my one teeny, tiny little flaw has been the fact that I never ever have enough money. Whether it was from my pocket money to my salary, as my income grew, so did my expenses...and somehow my expenses always overshot my income. But being the resilient and resourceful... and spoilt person that I am, that never actually stood in the way of me having a damn good time.

I used to run to Daddy, and when I started getting too old to credibly get away with that, I would run to my boy friend.. when we broke up, I would run to my friend...
Now the boyfriend's gone, the friend has gone and my expenses are STILL the same!!
This is something that is truly miraculous about me... I am the kind of person who will live like the world is ending tomorrow for the first half of the month, start scrimping on how I live for the second half and somehow still think it is acceptable to go out and blow up my last 300 bucks on the last ten days with no idea how I will manage if by some unforeseen circumstances I need money.

Now I'm in Bombay and I have no money in the account, my phone connection has been cut, I haven't bought any Christmas presents, I have to pay off my flight tickets, my credit on a pair of shoes, and pay for my New Year plans.... and I'm pretty optimistic...:)...

You see, I'm a strange combination of independence and dependence.... I now consider myself too independent to take money from my parents (other than maybe an agreed amount etc), but dependent enough to take money from my friends... Anything can be justified if you try hard enough, and I justify this to myself and everyone else saying 'well, it's just on loan, I'm paying it back.. so what's the big deal??'.. But yes, it is a big deal... especially when it becomes a habit, when it becomes something you expect, and finally, something you can't live without. Then you have a problem. There are many kinds of addictions, and I think this is just another kind... If you can keep spending with wild abandon and make it someone else s problem to make sure you survive, then that's not just spoilt and wilfull, it's irresponsible, dangerous, damaging and eventually quite degrading.

So before I get sucked into this horrific spiral once more, I've made arrangements to work my way through my stay here in Mumbai AND do it my way, do it large... After all, thank the stars I'm not afraid to work.. I'm willing to trudge my way through the dirt, rain and slush of Mumbai by day, if you'll pay me enough to clean up nice and party it up by night..

And for the people who are going to point out that I am in fact, still living off my parents while I have no job and relying on them to fund my education, I feel I have to clarify here that my point is not to never take assistance from my parents again, but to find their assistance sufficient.. to live within the means available to me... or finally, make the arrangements to substantiate what is already available.

Maybe I'm destined to be one of those people that lives pay cheque to pay cheque, after all, I shudder to think what my life would be without the parties, the fun, the tequila and the dancing... but I would consider the ability to claim that I can now 'barely survive' on my own to be a step in the right direction..:)

Regress To Advance

There are certain things happening in my life, that involve someone else as well, and I would like nothing more than to write about it all here, in my blog, but I'm not very sure how acceptable that would be for the afore mentioned person. So let me try and be discreet, and write about it in the vaguest possible terms.
I'm in the city, and I've begun giving some thought to whether or not this guy and I have anything in common to make things work. We have the best time, we enjoy each others company and i don't think we're ever bored with each other, even if we're sitting around watching the television. But on the other hand, we argue a lot, mostly at the end of every night; we seem to have our own baggage and hang ups about the other person, and we seem to different from who we were and what we once wanted.
We seem to be always caught in this crossfire of who said what, who's changed how, who did what.. it's a battlefield of emotions, and pride and ego seem to winning.
It makes me wonder why it comes to this... We both seem to obviously want this to work, we're willing to go above and beyond to make it happen, so why do we seem intent on sabotaging it before it's had a chance to take off?? People say that ex's can't be friends. I always thought that we disproved that rule.. but maybe it is true because a true friendship will touch upon many things in your life, including your sexual exploits. And when you're looking to rekindle that flame, you're going into it with the knowledge of your previous decisions, previous flings and your previous mistakes... And the thought of all of this being possibly held up to scrutiny makes you cringe a little, get a little defensive, a little rude, a little aggressive... a little painful..:)
And it's tough to resist the temptation to flip the coin... while you may not want to be questioned yourself, you're just burning up with questions about what he 's been up to all this time... who did he see, who did he sleep with, who did he like, who did he go where with.. did he find someone better than me??... That is actually the ultimate question.. I don't think women who ask these questions really care what you did or where you went... we may care a little about who you did it with.. (especially if we know her)... but what we're really after is, 'did you find someone who compares with me'...
When people break up, they do a lot of different things to cope with it... and I'm not talking about something like binge drinking and retail therapy... that's short lived and expensive.. I'm thinking about the changes that people make in their lives so that they get up in the morning, get dressed, smile at themselves in the mirror and move on..
Some people use it as a wake up call to make the changes that they think need to be made in their lives, do the things that they wanted to do, some people bury their feelings and bury themselves, some people move on to have a relationship with their work place... whatever it may be that will help them move on.. So when you're on the threshold of a new relationship, you're pretty much messed up the way you are.. so what do you do?
I think you did what you had to do to move on, now something better is knocking at your door....don't blow it just because you've been an emotional wreck for the last two years, or you've shut down so much you're pretty much a vault, or you cleaned your apartment twelve times in seven days, so you're borderline OCD...!!... I say embrace life, thaw out, keep the good that's in you, keep the experience... but also allow your experience to help you recognize a good thing when you see it... and just go for it!... You can't spend the rest of your life looking back.. whether it's in remembrance of something that's now over or by clinging on to the breakup you...Maybe the second time around won't be markedly different, after all, we are still the same two people.. but it will be different..and what's in the past is in the past.. and who knows what the future will bring...

Maximum City - My City?

Being back in Mumbai makes me wonder why I ever left. I think I needed to go for a while with everything that was happening, personally and professionally.. I needed the time and the distance to gain a little perspective and most importantly, I needed home. But once the injury is past, and the care has been given, you start beating your wings to go out there and experience life again.
Bangalore was an experience, one that taught me it is not the city for me. If anything, it proved to me that my instincts were correct in the beginning. Mumbai is definitely where my heart is the happiest. I can only describe it as a sense of freedom. The anonymity, the people, the sheer size of it even... everything about this city speaks to me...
I'm not sure if it is only Mumbai though. I think personally I find a South Indian city to be stifling... whether it's the language or just the geography of it..I find it all a little too close to home.. And it appears that while I may need to go home to recuperate every once in a while, I also need that physical distance between me and home.
I'm now in Mumbai and suddenly can't imagine going back to Bangalore. It's obvious I don't belong there. So the question is, should I start looking to re-establish my roots in good old Mumbai city till college beckons??.. Or should I let this little window of opportunity pass me by? After all, it really doesn't get any easier than this. I'm packed and I'm here... It could be the easiest thing in the world...

Building Blocks

After moving to Bangalore over five months ago and basically just sitting around on my ass taking up space, I decided to change the game plan a little and give up on trying to get a job altogether. Yea I know, now I sound like a complete bum right? But wait, I have decided that the time has come to take a substantial step towards my future. Make things happen! Solidify my dreams of becoming a rising star! A force to be reckoned with!!... And wouldn't you know it, it all starts with a Math paper.
Ugh, the dreaded math, with ratio and proportion; distance, time and speed, percentages, profit and loss, probability, exponents, fractions, volume, pythagoras theorem, graphs, geometry, logarithm, trigonometry, algebra, linear equations, quadratic equations....oh my god!!! When does it end????!!!

In order to embark on my dream of doing journalism, I first have to traverse the treacherous path of numbers, formula, and the nerve racking 'x' and 'y'... No two alphabets have inspired as much outright panic in me as these...Now I am seeking guidance from my sister who is in my opinion, a mathematical genius, in order overcome the limitations of my mind, and possible plain stupidity in this department.
If I manage to find my nirvana, in the form a passing score, I will then actually be truly on my way to making things happen for me. While it may not come with a visa attached to it, it's still a damn good step in the right direction. So here's to me! May the coming days be filled with sweat, blood (probably) and tears, with the hope of big riches to come.

Religion and My Philosophy

Day before yesterday I took out the old Bible and dusted it off. I've decided that I've been remiss in performing my Christian duties, mostly to be honest, because I couldn't be bothered.
I remember having a great deal of faith in God as a child. I think when people are younger they find it easier to believe without question in the existence of God, the truth of your holy texts and the supremacy of your priests. Then as you start to grow, you find yourself questioning what you've always believed, what to the rational mind seems impossible, and trying to reconcile the line between religion and science.
I remember being very young and being thoroughly mystified sitting in class while my teacher very scientifically explained how the universe, the stars, the sun, the earth, humans and all living creatures came to be over millions of years..... as far as I knew, all it took was 6 days! So I came racing home to ask my mother (who was the supreme source of all knowledge in my eyes) how this could be possible since the BIBLE tells us God made the earth in 6 days... I'm not sure what she said to me... but I don't think it was a satisfactory answer, because I was confused about it for some time to come... But eventually as I grew up, somewhere along the way, without my knowledge, science won.
I still believed in God, and his existence, his power and I had faith... but in some ambivalent sort of way.... probably not in the least bit interesting or impressive to the God in question.
But another thing that actually made me go my own path (which was quite far away from religion) was the emphasis that in order to be a child of God, one must live in a manner God will approve of... which incidentally in my family, not only meant do not steal, lie, covet etc.. but also one should not drink, smoke, party, have boyfriends.. and lets not even go near sex!
I could never understand why people think that in todays world, when there are so many worse things happening out there, God is going to string you up by your heels for smoking or drinking. I believe in a God who is all knowing, and knows that times have changed and things are no where as simple as they used to be. So maybe, just maybe, if you're a great person and you've lived your life to the best of your ability, you smoking and drinking is not as much of a hassle as people think it is!
Also, the Bible has been interpreted and preached by none other than man... with their own lofty ideas about what God deems is right and wrong... what if they're wrong? What if God is not such a strict, fearsome God after all.. what if there are shades of Grey?
Alright, so the Bible also says things like our body is Gods temple and we should not tarnish it.. It doesn't go exactly like that, but you get my drift... But could it be possible that this is just a little too literal??
Don't you think that the most important thing for people to do is live a good life, as best they can and also derive as much enjoyment and pleasure out of life as they can, if they're not hurting anyone? Isn't this whole concept of self denial a thing of the past?
No one is really sacrificing goats at the alter anymore. Times have changed - people say God no longer wants or needs that. So why is it that people still believe that only if you deny yourself life's pleasures will you earn the pleasure of God? Maybe God doesn't want or need that either. Doesn't it stand to reason that if that were the case, if that were what God wanted, he'd have made us live on barren land... instead he gave us Paradise. Doesn't it seem like we've got something wrong, somewhere?

Break On Through To The Other Side!

My life has taken another twist, and this time for the better. I am constantly surprised how your life can change in the most subtle of ways over night and still make you feel like a completely different person in the morning.
The last few weeks, I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions (obviously all hinging on a man) from excitement, happiness, affection, sadness, anger, irritation, embarrassment and humiliation, till finally it all came crashing down two days ago. Needless to say, it reached its crescendo with fit of rage befitting the whole sordid episode. After which, I shed the few requisite tears, shook my fist at the heavens, went to bed, and woke up feeling strangely cleansed. With a feeling of accomplishment, like you do when you find yourself endlessly muddling through something, and suddenly you find yourself on the other side and its all behind you... and the future stretches brightly before you.
Riding this wave I went out last night with two dear friends, and came to the conclusion that while mans best friend may be a dog, a woman's is definitely her girl friends. We spent the night guy bashing, drinking, dancing, gossiping and indulging in some harmless flirtation. It was one of the most fun and least complicated evenings I have had in the longest of times.
Tonight, is yet another night of catching up with old friends, and nothing more. I can't wait. I do believe I have had enough over whelming emotion to last me the next six months.
Could the drama queen in me be dying??!!....Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!

Rules Of Engagement

Men always say women play the games. They complain that women flirt with them with no intention of taking it further, that they get a guy to buy the drinks and then move on to the next guy, that women dress provocatively just to tease the guy with no intention of 'putting out'....
And I have to agree. And I defend women everywhere who do this, because the fact is that men play games too. And in fact, the games men play are by far more complicated.
If you imagine the dating scenario to be a game of chess, most often than not you'll find that all the women are doing is playing on the defense - counter acting every move the guy makes. You never really find the woman going on the offense, taking charge and leading the guy. (disclaimer: I am speaking from an overall perspective of what I've observed although I accept there are individual cases to the contrary)
If you look at it, why would a woman be less than cynical and hard-hearted towards men on meeting them, when so much of the time they seem driven by the single goal of trying to get you into bed? Even an evening that has gone well, becomes tinged with disillusionment and distaste when you end your evening needing to explain to the guy that you want to take things slow. Or even worse, I've found that even after you explain this to them, you end up deflecting their sometimes not so subtle attempts to override your decision. Sometimes I wonder if they're so focused on 'getting some' that they don't hear the words you're saying, or whether it just makes no difference. But yes, I do accept that there are some men out there who are perfect gentlemen. But being so few and far between they're snapped up before you can say 'shazam'.:)
But getting back to my initial point, how do you expect us women to not play games, when it appears the entire dating scenario is nothing but a game??! A woman cannot tell a guy too early that she likes him because it will scare him off, so she pretends to be aloof and plays hard to get to reel him in, a woman cannot be bold enough to jump into bed with a guy she really really likes on the first night because the chances are she'll lose him thereafter, a woman cannot call or text the guy as much as she wants because that's asking to be forgotten and taken for granted. So come on gentlemen, tell me.. what are our options??!..
For a group that consistently claims to be the simpler sex, you guys have sure complicated this playing field..So is it any wonder that the women have as many 'issues' as you guys say we do? Perhaps we're jut trying to maintain our dignity and self worth playing a game that for the most part we have no interest in.