Tik Tok!

With a little distance and space in Pune, I think I may have gotten a little too wrapped up in the situation and blown it straight out of proportion.
I was told, when I was speaking about this to a friend, that I have a tendency of moving much faster than the guy, and I don't allow for any breathing space and for the relationship to take its own natural course (well, he didn't say the last part, but that's just a natural result of the situation). It's not just that I can be a little OCD about these things, the problem also is that I feel like im working against a clock here. If Symbiosis does work out, I will take it in a heartbeat, which means that a few months later this is all just a distant dream.
But now, being in Pune, I've come to the conclusion that I'm not serving any purpose by trying to force the situation into something it's not and something it may never become. I've lost focus on how I feel admist all the agonising over how he feels and what he's doing. I made it work and not fun. I made it exhausting - most importantly, for me :) 
Finally, after all this obsessing, I'm more than happy to go back to square one and just be myself, and just admit to myself that this is not a relationship, it's way too early to classify it as such, and if in 3 mths time if it's still not there, then it's not time wasted. I think the problem with women is that we think that if we can't classify it as a relationship, or a fling or something, then we have nothing to show for that time together. 
And I also think sometimes talking and sharing with your friends is over rated. The problem with talking about this guy with your girl friends is that before you know it words like 'dating' and 'relationship' are floating around with abandon, and before you know it, you're using it too!! And when you start using words like that you know where you're headed. Those words come followed by expectations, 'talks', endearments and other declarations that are pretty much better left to develop on their own.
So why did I flip my lid and jump the gun? Well, I think mostly because I know I can like this guy very much, and if you think about it three months isn't so long. So I think the minute you realise that you could care about this person, it's difficult to ignore the fact that it could also be very short lived. But what changed now for me was that I was starting to lose my center.. For me, it became more about him and less about me. Why doesn't he call me, why does he take so long to reply to my sms, why why why... because it seemed like something that someone who cares about you is supposed to do!..But it never occured to me to question whether I would actually like him to do these things. Yes, I do like phone calls and text messsages and dinners and sleep overs, but not under duress! Somewhere along the way, I started trying to mold this man into what I think a relationship man should be. But again, we're not in a relationship! :)
It's not that I'm thick in the head, it's just that I tend to get caught up in the excitement of it all and forget to relax and just enjoy it.... But one thing's for certain.. No more girl talks for me. They're just no good for me!

He's just not that into you!!

I have decided that there's only so far a girl can go making excuses for a relationship not going well. And I refuse to believe that meeting a guy for lunch or dinner once a week and maybe staying the night, interspersed with zero phone calls but frequent texting constitutes a relationship going well! I have more contact with my friends, and I'm not sleeping with any of them!!

When we had 'the talk' about what this could possibly be, I was buoyed by the fact that he said he wasn't looking at this to be a fling. Now on further reflection, I'm inclined to believe that all that implied was that he won't be sleeping with anyone else. Accompanied with this statement came none of the things that you would normally see in a relationship - primarily, a desire to see more of each other!

And I absolutely refuse to put this down to cultural differences either. No matter which part of the globe you come from, if you like someone, you're going to want to spend as much time as you can with them, you're going to want to meet for a quick cup of coffee, go catch a movie, pick up the phone and call just to hear her voice and say hi, make plans to go out together, meet each others friends.. something!!.. and definitely not make your own separate plans, with your own friends to go to the same place!

And there's also only so much that I can put down to being reserved or even fiercely independent. Even those things tend to lessen in intensity if it's for someone you feel something for.

And finally, it does take a lot out of you too, for as much as I don't know him, because truth be told he just doesn't let me in.. he doesn't know me either, because he won't let me show him. It's very difficult to be yourself with a person when they won't show you who they are. He once described me as intelligent, interesting and beautiful. I am all of those things..:) and I was flattered that he thought so, but I'm also so much more. I'm quirky and affectionate, and clumsy and sometimes silly, I walk into things and like to go out and go nuts, I'm a slob in the morning, and usually clean compulsively at night. There's so much more to me than he sees, partly because I don't know how it will be received, and partly because we just don't spend enough time with each other for him to discover it on his own.

All things considered, I wonder if I should swallow that bitter pill that's liberated women the world over... Alright ladies, say it for me then... "He's just not that into you...!! "

Two Worlds Apart

Sometimes I think that an arranged marriage is the way to go. I've always thought it to be clinical and impersonal, but sometimes it's just so much easier on the heart. You find the guy you think suits you best, you talk it over and you both make a decision. There's no second guessing each other, no wondering how he feels, no wondering if you had him figured out all wrong.. and no getting hurt.
Everything about the dating game is just so complicated, and despite knowing the rules, I seem determined to sabotage myself by refusing to play. I know everyone says that for a relationship to work out you have to hold off having sex, because then it will make the guy want you more, it will make him like you more..but that makes no sense to me. If I like some one, then sex for me, is just a natural way of expressing that feeling. But maybe, just maybe it's true. Because once you take that final step, and just do it (forgive the phrasing), you can actually see the interest drop in you soon after.
In my last post, I introduced to you all the latest man in my life, whom I was later told that I sounded 'smitten' by :)... Well, that probably was the case. But what I neglected to mention at that time, was this man is not Indian.. mostly because I decided that that should have no relevance. However, I'm starting to believe that it is in fact extremely relevant.
I've discovered that there is a lot to be said for the comfort level you share with the people of your own nationality. This comfort goes beyond just knowing the same customs, and possibly speaking the same language.. it includes the very fundamentals of social behavior.. what will be taken as a joke, what will be offensive, what is too presumptuous....
I find myself constantly tip toeing around this guy purely because I have no real idea of what makes him tick.. and if I had a penny for the number of times I've said 'You know, I just can't peg him'..!!
Then comes the eternal struggle of 'Does he like me, or is he just having a good time?' now compounded by the question of 'Is he naturally this remote, or is he just not interested?' .. further compounded by the question of ' Is this not going anywhere, or are foreigners just really much slower than Indians when it comes to deciding this kind of stuff?'..
Now, doesn't the arranged marriage thing sound so much more appealing?? :)..Unfortunately though for me, no matter how annoying and depressing and sometimes downright nasty the whole dating game can be, I doubt I'll ever be a player in the marriage market.
But anyway, coming back to my dilemma, the question that I seem doomed to struggle with for the near future is just how much of my problem is the cultural divide and how much of it is the man....?

Sun, No Sand.. And a Chocolate Martini...

Every time I meet a guy, my mind balks at the idea of including him in the accountings of my blog, for fear of scaring him away. What if he thinks that I am a total psycho for writing about him so soon into meeting him, or better yet, he takes offense at something I've written and I never hear from him again. And then I have to remind myself that come what may, this is my blog and this is what is happening in my life. So the devil take him and anyone else who cares :).. (But all of this is decided with a good deal of deep breathing and spine straightening)

So yes, I have met a boy.. or in all honesty, I have met a man. A very charming, and interesting and handsome man who's company I enjoy tremendously.

Now, the reason I have decided to include this man in my blog is because I wanted to share with you all, the details of the absolutely blissful weekend I just had.

What started off as a relatively innocuous weekend, with an office party on Friday night, followed by much lazing around and dinner/drinks on Saturday culminated beautifully with a gorgeous brunch at Olive Beach on Sunday afternoon, with the man in question.

It was absolute perfection from the setting, the food (although admittedly, I gorged so much on the starters and seafood, I never got as far as the main course), the champagne (which again, my unrefined palette does not permit me to enjoy), the conversation, the beautiful sunny day and of course, the company.

While it may sound like I'm gushing (which I am), I have no choice but to, because it was such a perfect day. I did absolutely nothing, all day! I ate like a pig, I drank beautiful, yummy cocktails, basked in the warmth of the sun, and waddled home to roll around in bed and watch tv. Now this is what God had in mind when he said Sunday shall be a day of rest!

And as you all have probably discerned, I am becoming very fond of this man, and I do look forward to seeing more of him, but before you all think I've gone off the deep end, let me set you straight..:).. Do I like him? Yes. Where is this going?.. I'm not sure. What I can tell you is that I'm just enjoying it, and riding this wave out for as long as it lasts... and well, in the end Que Sera Sera right?

A New Day

Recently, I hadn't been feeling the love when it came to my blog, so I decided to take some time off and give it a break till I had something of interest to write about. After having received a very gratifying message from a friend about my absence, I decided to jump back into the game. So here's what's been happening since my last post.
When you all last heard from me, I was in Mumbai and thinking of starting things off again with my ex boyfriend. Needless to say, this never panned out. We discovered that while we make extremely good friends, the minute you add something more to the equation, the whole thing goes completely off its axis. Having been seduced by the city, I was also simultaneously thinking of re establishing my roots in Mumbai, which also, (not surprisingly) did not pan out. While I was thrilled to be back in Mumbai, and couldn't imagine why I had ever left, over the course of the next few weeks I discovered that everything had changed, I had changed. I no longer felt the same connection that I used to feel with my friends, I discovered that finally, finally I had broken free of that bond that kept me so inexplicably tied to my ex boyfriend, and that while I liked to party five nights a week and piss all my money away when I'm on holiday, I have no interest in doing that on a regular basis. I don't mean to say that I didn't have a good time in Mumbai. On the contrary, I had a fantastic time with my friends, it's just that for the first time I saw Mumbai as my holiday spot and not my home.
Amazingly, with the turn of the new year, everything just started to fall into place. I returned to Bangalore, armed with a new job and no regrets. The city was finally starting to feel like home.
My first day on the job was amazing. I knew I was going to love this place before I even agreed to go for the interview. Somewhere, deep inside, my intuition was telling me to not worry about a thing, that I was meant to have this job.
This company was everything I was looking for.. small enough to feel like home, not small enough that you don't have any facilities, great people, close to home, good pay and interesting enough work. Finally, I am once again at a job where I don't dread waking up in the morning and going to work, where Monday morning fills me with anticipation instead of apprehension!
Now things have settled down a lot, and I wake up in the morning looking forward to my day whether its a Monday or a weekend, and soon, so soon, is the much awaited first salary!! Accompanied for the first time in my working life, by no debt and just a long ignored shopping list!
I'm so glad with the turn my life has taken, and I hope the Gods will forgive my insolence in saying 'after the last year I had, the universe owes me!!'

In Search Of The Elusive Rupee

All my life, my one teeny, tiny little flaw has been the fact that I never ever have enough money. Whether it was from my pocket money to my salary, as my income grew, so did my expenses...and somehow my expenses always overshot my income. But being the resilient and resourceful... and spoilt person that I am, that never actually stood in the way of me having a damn good time.

I used to run to Daddy, and when I started getting too old to credibly get away with that, I would run to my boy friend.. when we broke up, I would run to my friend...
Now the boyfriend's gone, the friend has gone and my expenses are STILL the same!!
This is something that is truly miraculous about me... I am the kind of person who will live like the world is ending tomorrow for the first half of the month, start scrimping on how I live for the second half and somehow still think it is acceptable to go out and blow up my last 300 bucks on the last ten days with no idea how I will manage if by some unforeseen circumstances I need money.

Now I'm in Bombay and I have no money in the account, my phone connection has been cut, I haven't bought any Christmas presents, I have to pay off my flight tickets, my credit on a pair of shoes, and pay for my New Year plans.... and I'm pretty optimistic...:)...

You see, I'm a strange combination of independence and dependence.... I now consider myself too independent to take money from my parents (other than maybe an agreed amount etc), but dependent enough to take money from my friends... Anything can be justified if you try hard enough, and I justify this to myself and everyone else saying 'well, it's just on loan, I'm paying it back.. so what's the big deal??'.. But yes, it is a big deal... especially when it becomes a habit, when it becomes something you expect, and finally, something you can't live without. Then you have a problem. There are many kinds of addictions, and I think this is just another kind... If you can keep spending with wild abandon and make it someone else s problem to make sure you survive, then that's not just spoilt and wilfull, it's irresponsible, dangerous, damaging and eventually quite degrading.

So before I get sucked into this horrific spiral once more, I've made arrangements to work my way through my stay here in Mumbai AND do it my way, do it large... After all, thank the stars I'm not afraid to work.. I'm willing to trudge my way through the dirt, rain and slush of Mumbai by day, if you'll pay me enough to clean up nice and party it up by night..

And for the people who are going to point out that I am in fact, still living off my parents while I have no job and relying on them to fund my education, I feel I have to clarify here that my point is not to never take assistance from my parents again, but to find their assistance sufficient.. to live within the means available to me... or finally, make the arrangements to substantiate what is already available.

Maybe I'm destined to be one of those people that lives pay cheque to pay cheque, after all, I shudder to think what my life would be without the parties, the fun, the tequila and the dancing... but I would consider the ability to claim that I can now 'barely survive' on my own to be a step in the right direction..:)

Regress To Advance

There are certain things happening in my life, that involve someone else as well, and I would like nothing more than to write about it all here, in my blog, but I'm not very sure how acceptable that would be for the afore mentioned person. So let me try and be discreet, and write about it in the vaguest possible terms.
I'm in the city, and I've begun giving some thought to whether or not this guy and I have anything in common to make things work. We have the best time, we enjoy each others company and i don't think we're ever bored with each other, even if we're sitting around watching the television. But on the other hand, we argue a lot, mostly at the end of every night; we seem to have our own baggage and hang ups about the other person, and we seem to different from who we were and what we once wanted.
We seem to be always caught in this crossfire of who said what, who's changed how, who did what.. it's a battlefield of emotions, and pride and ego seem to winning.
It makes me wonder why it comes to this... We both seem to obviously want this to work, we're willing to go above and beyond to make it happen, so why do we seem intent on sabotaging it before it's had a chance to take off?? People say that ex's can't be friends. I always thought that we disproved that rule.. but maybe it is true because a true friendship will touch upon many things in your life, including your sexual exploits. And when you're looking to rekindle that flame, you're going into it with the knowledge of your previous decisions, previous flings and your previous mistakes... And the thought of all of this being possibly held up to scrutiny makes you cringe a little, get a little defensive, a little rude, a little aggressive... a little painful..:)
And it's tough to resist the temptation to flip the coin... while you may not want to be questioned yourself, you're just burning up with questions about what he 's been up to all this time... who did he see, who did he sleep with, who did he like, who did he go where with.. did he find someone better than me??... That is actually the ultimate question.. I don't think women who ask these questions really care what you did or where you went... we may care a little about who you did it with.. (especially if we know her)... but what we're really after is, 'did you find someone who compares with me'...
When people break up, they do a lot of different things to cope with it... and I'm not talking about something like binge drinking and retail therapy... that's short lived and expensive.. I'm thinking about the changes that people make in their lives so that they get up in the morning, get dressed, smile at themselves in the mirror and move on..
Some people use it as a wake up call to make the changes that they think need to be made in their lives, do the things that they wanted to do, some people bury their feelings and bury themselves, some people move on to have a relationship with their work place... whatever it may be that will help them move on.. So when you're on the threshold of a new relationship, you're pretty much messed up the way you are.. so what do you do?
I think you did what you had to do to move on, now something better is knocking at your door....don't blow it just because you've been an emotional wreck for the last two years, or you've shut down so much you're pretty much a vault, or you cleaned your apartment twelve times in seven days, so you're borderline OCD...!!... I say embrace life, thaw out, keep the good that's in you, keep the experience... but also allow your experience to help you recognize a good thing when you see it... and just go for it!... You can't spend the rest of your life looking back.. whether it's in remembrance of something that's now over or by clinging on to the breakup you...Maybe the second time around won't be markedly different, after all, we are still the same two people.. but it will be different..and what's in the past is in the past.. and who knows what the future will bring...