Being back in Mumbai makes me wonder why I ever left. I think I needed to go for a while with everything that was happening, personally and professionally.. I needed the time and the distance to gain a little perspective and most importantly, I needed home. But once the injury is past, and the care has been given, you start beating your wings to go out there and experience life again.
Bangalore was an experience, one that taught me it is not the city for me. If anything, it proved to me that my instincts were correct in the beginning. Mumbai is definitely where my heart is the happiest. I can only describe it as a sense of freedom. The anonymity, the people, the sheer size of it even... everything about this city speaks to me...
I'm not sure if it is only Mumbai though. I think personally I find a South Indian city to be stifling... whether it's the language or just the geography of it..I find it all a little too close to home.. And it appears that while I may need to go home to recuperate every once in a while, I also need that physical distance between me and home.
I'm now in Mumbai and suddenly can't imagine going back to Bangalore. It's obvious I don't belong there. So the question is, should I start looking to re-establish my roots in good old Mumbai city till college beckons??.. Or should I let this little window of opportunity pass me by? After all, it really doesn't get any easier than this. I'm packed and I'm here... It could be the easiest thing in the world...
Monday, November 29, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Building Blocks
After moving to Bangalore over five months ago and basically just sitting around on my ass taking up space, I decided to change the game plan a little and give up on trying to get a job altogether. Yea I know, now I sound like a complete bum right? But wait, I have decided that the time has come to take a substantial step towards my future. Make things happen! Solidify my dreams of becoming a rising star! A force to be reckoned with!!... And wouldn't you know it, it all starts with a Math paper.
Ugh, the dreaded math, with ratio and proportion; distance, time and speed, percentages, profit and loss, probability, exponents, fractions, volume, pythagoras theorem, graphs, geometry, logarithm, trigonometry, algebra, linear equations, quadratic equations....oh my god!!! When does it end????!!!
In order to embark on my dream of doing journalism, I first have to traverse the treacherous path of numbers, formula, and the nerve racking 'x' and 'y'... No two alphabets have inspired as much outright panic in me as these...Now I am seeking guidance from my sister who is in my opinion, a mathematical genius, in order overcome the limitations of my mind, and possible plain stupidity in this department.
If I manage to find my nirvana, in the form a passing score, I will then actually be truly on my way to making things happen for me. While it may not come with a visa attached to it, it's still a damn good step in the right direction. So here's to me! May the coming days be filled with sweat, blood (probably) and tears, with the hope of big riches to come.
Ugh, the dreaded math, with ratio and proportion; distance, time and speed, percentages, profit and loss, probability, exponents, fractions, volume, pythagoras theorem, graphs, geometry, logarithm, trigonometry, algebra, linear equations, quadratic equations....oh my god!!! When does it end????!!!
In order to embark on my dream of doing journalism, I first have to traverse the treacherous path of numbers, formula, and the nerve racking 'x' and 'y'... No two alphabets have inspired as much outright panic in me as these...Now I am seeking guidance from my sister who is in my opinion, a mathematical genius, in order overcome the limitations of my mind, and possible plain stupidity in this department.
If I manage to find my nirvana, in the form a passing score, I will then actually be truly on my way to making things happen for me. While it may not come with a visa attached to it, it's still a damn good step in the right direction. So here's to me! May the coming days be filled with sweat, blood (probably) and tears, with the hope of big riches to come.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Religion and My Philosophy
Day before yesterday I took out the old Bible and dusted it off. I've decided that I've been remiss in performing my Christian duties, mostly to be honest, because I couldn't be bothered.
I remember having a great deal of faith in God as a child. I think when people are younger they find it easier to believe without question in the existence of God, the truth of your holy texts and the supremacy of your priests. Then as you start to grow, you find yourself questioning what you've always believed, what to the rational mind seems impossible, and trying to reconcile the line between religion and science.
I remember being very young and being thoroughly mystified sitting in class while my teacher very scientifically explained how the universe, the stars, the sun, the earth, humans and all living creatures came to be over millions of years..... as far as I knew, all it took was 6 days! So I came racing home to ask my mother (who was the supreme source of all knowledge in my eyes) how this could be possible since the BIBLE tells us God made the earth in 6 days... I'm not sure what she said to me... but I don't think it was a satisfactory answer, because I was confused about it for some time to come... But eventually as I grew up, somewhere along the way, without my knowledge, science won.
I still believed in God, and his existence, his power and I had faith... but in some ambivalent sort of way.... probably not in the least bit interesting or impressive to the God in question.
But another thing that actually made me go my own path (which was quite far away from religion) was the emphasis that in order to be a child of God, one must live in a manner God will approve of... which incidentally in my family, not only meant do not steal, lie, covet etc.. but also one should not drink, smoke, party, have boyfriends.. and lets not even go near sex!
I could never understand why people think that in todays world, when there are so many worse things happening out there, God is going to string you up by your heels for smoking or drinking. I believe in a God who is all knowing, and knows that times have changed and things are no where as simple as they used to be. So maybe, just maybe, if you're a great person and you've lived your life to the best of your ability, you smoking and drinking is not as much of a hassle as people think it is!
Also, the Bible has been interpreted and preached by none other than man... with their own lofty ideas about what God deems is right and wrong... what if they're wrong? What if God is not such a strict, fearsome God after all.. what if there are shades of Grey?
Alright, so the Bible also says things like our body is Gods temple and we should not tarnish it.. It doesn't go exactly like that, but you get my drift... But could it be possible that this is just a little too literal??
Don't you think that the most important thing for people to do is live a good life, as best they can and also derive as much enjoyment and pleasure out of life as they can, if they're not hurting anyone? Isn't this whole concept of self denial a thing of the past?
No one is really sacrificing goats at the alter anymore. Times have changed - people say God no longer wants or needs that. So why is it that people still believe that only if you deny yourself life's pleasures will you earn the pleasure of God? Maybe God doesn't want or need that either. Doesn't it stand to reason that if that were the case, if that were what God wanted, he'd have made us live on barren land... instead he gave us Paradise. Doesn't it seem like we've got something wrong, somewhere?
I remember having a great deal of faith in God as a child. I think when people are younger they find it easier to believe without question in the existence of God, the truth of your holy texts and the supremacy of your priests. Then as you start to grow, you find yourself questioning what you've always believed, what to the rational mind seems impossible, and trying to reconcile the line between religion and science.
I remember being very young and being thoroughly mystified sitting in class while my teacher very scientifically explained how the universe, the stars, the sun, the earth, humans and all living creatures came to be over millions of years..... as far as I knew, all it took was 6 days! So I came racing home to ask my mother (who was the supreme source of all knowledge in my eyes) how this could be possible since the BIBLE tells us God made the earth in 6 days... I'm not sure what she said to me... but I don't think it was a satisfactory answer, because I was confused about it for some time to come... But eventually as I grew up, somewhere along the way, without my knowledge, science won.
I still believed in God, and his existence, his power and I had faith... but in some ambivalent sort of way.... probably not in the least bit interesting or impressive to the God in question.
But another thing that actually made me go my own path (which was quite far away from religion) was the emphasis that in order to be a child of God, one must live in a manner God will approve of... which incidentally in my family, not only meant do not steal, lie, covet etc.. but also one should not drink, smoke, party, have boyfriends.. and lets not even go near sex!
I could never understand why people think that in todays world, when there are so many worse things happening out there, God is going to string you up by your heels for smoking or drinking. I believe in a God who is all knowing, and knows that times have changed and things are no where as simple as they used to be. So maybe, just maybe, if you're a great person and you've lived your life to the best of your ability, you smoking and drinking is not as much of a hassle as people think it is!
Also, the Bible has been interpreted and preached by none other than man... with their own lofty ideas about what God deems is right and wrong... what if they're wrong? What if God is not such a strict, fearsome God after all.. what if there are shades of Grey?
Alright, so the Bible also says things like our body is Gods temple and we should not tarnish it.. It doesn't go exactly like that, but you get my drift... But could it be possible that this is just a little too literal??
Don't you think that the most important thing for people to do is live a good life, as best they can and also derive as much enjoyment and pleasure out of life as they can, if they're not hurting anyone? Isn't this whole concept of self denial a thing of the past?
No one is really sacrificing goats at the alter anymore. Times have changed - people say God no longer wants or needs that. So why is it that people still believe that only if you deny yourself life's pleasures will you earn the pleasure of God? Maybe God doesn't want or need that either. Doesn't it stand to reason that if that were the case, if that were what God wanted, he'd have made us live on barren land... instead he gave us Paradise. Doesn't it seem like we've got something wrong, somewhere?
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Break On Through To The Other Side!
My life has taken another twist, and this time for the better. I am constantly surprised how your life can change in the most subtle of ways over night and still make you feel like a completely different person in the morning.
The last few weeks, I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions (obviously all hinging on a man) from excitement, happiness, affection, sadness, anger, irritation, embarrassment and humiliation, till finally it all came crashing down two days ago. Needless to say, it reached its crescendo with fit of rage befitting the whole sordid episode. After which, I shed the few requisite tears, shook my fist at the heavens, went to bed, and woke up feeling strangely cleansed. With a feeling of accomplishment, like you do when you find yourself endlessly muddling through something, and suddenly you find yourself on the other side and its all behind you... and the future stretches brightly before you.
Riding this wave I went out last night with two dear friends, and came to the conclusion that while mans best friend may be a dog, a woman's is definitely her girl friends. We spent the night guy bashing, drinking, dancing, gossiping and indulging in some harmless flirtation. It was one of the most fun and least complicated evenings I have had in the longest of times.
Tonight, is yet another night of catching up with old friends, and nothing more. I can't wait. I do believe I have had enough over whelming emotion to last me the next six months.
Could the drama queen in me be dying??!!....Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!
The last few weeks, I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions (obviously all hinging on a man) from excitement, happiness, affection, sadness, anger, irritation, embarrassment and humiliation, till finally it all came crashing down two days ago. Needless to say, it reached its crescendo with fit of rage befitting the whole sordid episode. After which, I shed the few requisite tears, shook my fist at the heavens, went to bed, and woke up feeling strangely cleansed. With a feeling of accomplishment, like you do when you find yourself endlessly muddling through something, and suddenly you find yourself on the other side and its all behind you... and the future stretches brightly before you.
Riding this wave I went out last night with two dear friends, and came to the conclusion that while mans best friend may be a dog, a woman's is definitely her girl friends. We spent the night guy bashing, drinking, dancing, gossiping and indulging in some harmless flirtation. It was one of the most fun and least complicated evenings I have had in the longest of times.
Tonight, is yet another night of catching up with old friends, and nothing more. I can't wait. I do believe I have had enough over whelming emotion to last me the next six months.
Could the drama queen in me be dying??!!....Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!
Friday, November 5, 2010
Rules Of Engagement
Men always say women play the games. They complain that women flirt with them with no intention of taking it further, that they get a guy to buy the drinks and then move on to the next guy, that women dress provocatively just to tease the guy with no intention of 'putting out'....
And I have to agree. And I defend women everywhere who do this, because the fact is that men play games too. And in fact, the games men play are by far more complicated.
If you imagine the dating scenario to be a game of chess, most often than not you'll find that all the women are doing is playing on the defense - counter acting every move the guy makes. You never really find the woman going on the offense, taking charge and leading the guy. (disclaimer: I am speaking from an overall perspective of what I've observed although I accept there are individual cases to the contrary)
If you look at it, why would a woman be less than cynical and hard-hearted towards men on meeting them, when so much of the time they seem driven by the single goal of trying to get you into bed? Even an evening that has gone well, becomes tinged with disillusionment and distaste when you end your evening needing to explain to the guy that you want to take things slow. Or even worse, I've found that even after you explain this to them, you end up deflecting their sometimes not so subtle attempts to override your decision. Sometimes I wonder if they're so focused on 'getting some' that they don't hear the words you're saying, or whether it just makes no difference. But yes, I do accept that there are some men out there who are perfect gentlemen. But being so few and far between they're snapped up before you can say 'shazam'.:)
But getting back to my initial point, how do you expect us women to not play games, when it appears the entire dating scenario is nothing but a game??! A woman cannot tell a guy too early that she likes him because it will scare him off, so she pretends to be aloof and plays hard to get to reel him in, a woman cannot be bold enough to jump into bed with a guy she really really likes on the first night because the chances are she'll lose him thereafter, a woman cannot call or text the guy as much as she wants because that's asking to be forgotten and taken for granted. So come on gentlemen, tell me.. what are our options??!..
For a group that consistently claims to be the simpler sex, you guys have sure complicated this playing field..So is it any wonder that the women have as many 'issues' as you guys say we do? Perhaps we're jut trying to maintain our dignity and self worth playing a game that for the most part we have no interest in.
And I have to agree. And I defend women everywhere who do this, because the fact is that men play games too. And in fact, the games men play are by far more complicated.
If you imagine the dating scenario to be a game of chess, most often than not you'll find that all the women are doing is playing on the defense - counter acting every move the guy makes. You never really find the woman going on the offense, taking charge and leading the guy. (disclaimer: I am speaking from an overall perspective of what I've observed although I accept there are individual cases to the contrary)
If you look at it, why would a woman be less than cynical and hard-hearted towards men on meeting them, when so much of the time they seem driven by the single goal of trying to get you into bed? Even an evening that has gone well, becomes tinged with disillusionment and distaste when you end your evening needing to explain to the guy that you want to take things slow. Or even worse, I've found that even after you explain this to them, you end up deflecting their sometimes not so subtle attempts to override your decision. Sometimes I wonder if they're so focused on 'getting some' that they don't hear the words you're saying, or whether it just makes no difference. But yes, I do accept that there are some men out there who are perfect gentlemen. But being so few and far between they're snapped up before you can say 'shazam'.:)
But getting back to my initial point, how do you expect us women to not play games, when it appears the entire dating scenario is nothing but a game??! A woman cannot tell a guy too early that she likes him because it will scare him off, so she pretends to be aloof and plays hard to get to reel him in, a woman cannot be bold enough to jump into bed with a guy she really really likes on the first night because the chances are she'll lose him thereafter, a woman cannot call or text the guy as much as she wants because that's asking to be forgotten and taken for granted. So come on gentlemen, tell me.. what are our options??!..
For a group that consistently claims to be the simpler sex, you guys have sure complicated this playing field..So is it any wonder that the women have as many 'issues' as you guys say we do? Perhaps we're jut trying to maintain our dignity and self worth playing a game that for the most part we have no interest in.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Romancing The Bottle
I'm ashamed to say it, but I have to admit that I cannot hold my liquor. Over the years I 've used a multitude of reasons to convince myself that this does not matter, from saying that I'm young, that it's one night, everyone's having such a great time, it's all between friends and even going so far as to believe that i can't dance without a drink in my hand... well, three hours later, needless to say, I'm drunk and I'm defintely not dancing...
I used to say when I was younger that I would smoke but I would never drink. I remember always looking at the people around me who were falling down drunk with such distaste and think to myself that I will never let myself look like that.
To be honest, I'm not sure why I've learnt to drink the way I do.. I cannot really decide whether I start drinking by giving in to the peer pressure, or whether I start drinking because I actively crave the alcohol. After all, I know that for everytime I've given in to my friends about having a drink when I had decided I would not, I know that I have also called them up and dragged them to a bar to have a drink... to take the edge off...!! (shudder)
When I think about it, I'm not overly concerned that I have a drinking problem. I can go quite comfortably for a stretch of time without feeling the slightest urge to have a drink, and sometimes when people around me are drinking, I ignore this urge. My problem is that I never taught myself to drink right, to drink responsibly and most important to me, drink gracefully. I never taught myself how to pace myself, when to say no and when to say enough.
Now you can call me lazy, but I have no intention of teaching myself how either. Since there's a part of me that's become wary of the drink, I've come to the conclusion that the only thing for me to do is to take control, free myself from this vicious cycle of drinking and drama, and end my soul-sapping love affair with the bottle.
So for all my friends who have always said I'm so much of fun when I drink and when I party, and that there's no one as crazy as me in a club, I hope you all still find that I'm the same girl, just with a little more dignity.
I used to say when I was younger that I would smoke but I would never drink. I remember always looking at the people around me who were falling down drunk with such distaste and think to myself that I will never let myself look like that.
To be honest, I'm not sure why I've learnt to drink the way I do.. I cannot really decide whether I start drinking by giving in to the peer pressure, or whether I start drinking because I actively crave the alcohol. After all, I know that for everytime I've given in to my friends about having a drink when I had decided I would not, I know that I have also called them up and dragged them to a bar to have a drink... to take the edge off...!! (shudder)
When I think about it, I'm not overly concerned that I have a drinking problem. I can go quite comfortably for a stretch of time without feeling the slightest urge to have a drink, and sometimes when people around me are drinking, I ignore this urge. My problem is that I never taught myself to drink right, to drink responsibly and most important to me, drink gracefully. I never taught myself how to pace myself, when to say no and when to say enough.
Now you can call me lazy, but I have no intention of teaching myself how either. Since there's a part of me that's become wary of the drink, I've come to the conclusion that the only thing for me to do is to take control, free myself from this vicious cycle of drinking and drama, and end my soul-sapping love affair with the bottle.
So for all my friends who have always said I'm so much of fun when I drink and when I party, and that there's no one as crazy as me in a club, I hope you all still find that I'm the same girl, just with a little more dignity.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Crash and Burn..
Why is it that drifting from being friends to more seems like a natural progression, but reversing the process is so complicated?
I met this guy, and one month into hanging out (and all that that entailed), I decided I wanted to have the 'where is this heading' conversation. Well, perhaps that conversation was required because it was explained to me in no uncertain terms that he is not looking for a relationship and he would be more than happy to just be friends.
Now, I know how that looks... it looks like I got duped. But regardless of how it seems, I don't really think that's what happened. This guy is not malicious, he's not rude or mean or disrespectful. He just doesn't want a relationship. Now perhaps I can argue that if he knew that all along, he could have made that clear before the relationship went physical, but then again I don't think either of us anticipated that happening so quickly.
While I am disappointed, after all I really did actually quite like this guy, I have to respect his point of view. I can't take offense that he doesn't want something more, that is his right. Well, maybe I can take a little offense..But that's my right...:)
There is a slightly bruised part of me that's a bit hurt, embarrassed and insulted that he managed to so flippantly brush aside the whole idea of looking at something more, with what appeared to be remarkably little regret... but then again I have to assume the man knows his own mind.
I was told that there is no need for me to feel wounded or embarrassed because he does in fact like me, he just doesn't want to date me... Somehow that doesn't make me feel any better because the woman inside me is thinking, 'well, maybe you like me, but you obviously don't like me enough!'
Now I actually am not in love with this man in the least. I'm fond of him, I enjoy his company and I would have enjoyed the opportunity to take things a little further.... But I think what's gotten to me was the unequivocal NO. It's not that I've never been rejected or I think it's impossible for a guy to not want to be with me,... It's just that I think I had this guy pegged all wrong.
I'm used to knowing right at the offset pretty much how it's going to go... You usually know if it's a fling, and the approximate lifespan of a fling.
This guy wanted to take things slow right from the beginning, leading me to believe that he was taking it seriously and wanted to see where things went. Then when we started fooling around, he still wanted to take things slow. At all these points of time, I was misinterpreting the reason he was taking things slow as that he wanted to do it right and not because he wasn't sure if he wanted to take things further!
Perhaps it was destined for doom right at the get-go... Now the real question is, can we start over and this time just be friends...?? I'm not too sure, because for one thing, while my bruised ego makes me want to take a snap at him every once in a while, apparently my brain hasn't told my body yet that it's not working out! Pride and Lust... it doesn't seem to be the best recipe for friendship, does it?!!
I met this guy, and one month into hanging out (and all that that entailed), I decided I wanted to have the 'where is this heading' conversation. Well, perhaps that conversation was required because it was explained to me in no uncertain terms that he is not looking for a relationship and he would be more than happy to just be friends.
Now, I know how that looks... it looks like I got duped. But regardless of how it seems, I don't really think that's what happened. This guy is not malicious, he's not rude or mean or disrespectful. He just doesn't want a relationship. Now perhaps I can argue that if he knew that all along, he could have made that clear before the relationship went physical, but then again I don't think either of us anticipated that happening so quickly.
While I am disappointed, after all I really did actually quite like this guy, I have to respect his point of view. I can't take offense that he doesn't want something more, that is his right. Well, maybe I can take a little offense..But that's my right...:)
There is a slightly bruised part of me that's a bit hurt, embarrassed and insulted that he managed to so flippantly brush aside the whole idea of looking at something more, with what appeared to be remarkably little regret... but then again I have to assume the man knows his own mind.
I was told that there is no need for me to feel wounded or embarrassed because he does in fact like me, he just doesn't want to date me... Somehow that doesn't make me feel any better because the woman inside me is thinking, 'well, maybe you like me, but you obviously don't like me enough!'
Now I actually am not in love with this man in the least. I'm fond of him, I enjoy his company and I would have enjoyed the opportunity to take things a little further.... But I think what's gotten to me was the unequivocal NO. It's not that I've never been rejected or I think it's impossible for a guy to not want to be with me,... It's just that I think I had this guy pegged all wrong.
I'm used to knowing right at the offset pretty much how it's going to go... You usually know if it's a fling, and the approximate lifespan of a fling.
This guy wanted to take things slow right from the beginning, leading me to believe that he was taking it seriously and wanted to see where things went. Then when we started fooling around, he still wanted to take things slow. At all these points of time, I was misinterpreting the reason he was taking things slow as that he wanted to do it right and not because he wasn't sure if he wanted to take things further!
Perhaps it was destined for doom right at the get-go... Now the real question is, can we start over and this time just be friends...?? I'm not too sure, because for one thing, while my bruised ego makes me want to take a snap at him every once in a while, apparently my brain hasn't told my body yet that it's not working out! Pride and Lust... it doesn't seem to be the best recipe for friendship, does it?!!
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