Growing pains? Not so much

In 2011, I withdrew from the world of blogging, imagining (incorrectly) that I was 'getting too old for it'. I berated myself for being too much of an open book, and having such an external locus of identity that I needed to share my every waking thought and emotion with the world at large.

I think perhaps there was some truth to it. I've always had to be the one with the best story, which invariably leads to me sharing just a little too much information.. to the discomfort of both me and my audience sometimes. But in the past three years several things have happened.

1. I went away to college and got my post graduate degree in journalism
2. I met a wonderful man and got married
3. We adopted two ridiculously cute cats
4. I resumed work and I'm employed as a content writer with a local NGO
5. I learned how to be happy (happier) with myself, and by myself

It occurred to me that I believed that I was leading this charmed existence of parties, alcohol and a seemingly unlimited supply of money (seriously how did I manage?!), and it was loads of fun. But I had no idea who I was beyond the glossy exterior, and because I didn't know any better I mirrored myself based on the world's expectations of me.

I tried to be the world's best daughter to my mother, the Carrie-est Bradshaw of them all to my girl friends, and the local femme fatale to the boys. But somewhere along the way I started to snap out of my Sweet Valley High perception of life.

I started to see the world around me as it really is. When it rains the world looks slushy and sloppy, and not like the sexy dance scene in Step Up 2, when couples fight it can get ugly and angry, not steamy and delicious like a Mills & Boons novel. Sometimes we'll both be too angry with each other to apologize first, all of our friends and family will not stick by us through thick and thin, jobs sometimes suck and money can start becoming a problem. Such a despairing point of view to adopt isn't it? Not really. I found that when I emerged from my candy-floss view of life, and got over resenting growing up, I was quite enjoying it.

Yes I pay taxes, do grocery shopping, and our cats stop us from just taking off into the horizon on a whim, but it's still great, because it's real. Oh I do still have evenings where I drink too much, wake up with a hangover and swear I need to grow up a little more, but the biggest thing I've learned is that life is not all black and white the way i used to think it was. I am neither teenager nor adult. I'm neither childish nor mature. Happy or unhappy. Smart or stupid. I am all of these things for some time, at different points of time, and it's been embracing this concept that has made me realise that whatever else i am, for the most part I am content.