All my life, my one teeny, tiny little flaw has been the fact that I never ever have enough money. Whether it was from my pocket money to my salary, as my income grew, so did my expenses...and somehow my expenses always overshot my income. But being the resilient and resourceful... and spoilt person that I am, that never actually stood in the way of me having a damn good time.
I used to run to Daddy, and when I started getting too old to credibly get away with that, I would run to my boy friend.. when we broke up, I would run to my friend...
Now the boyfriend's gone, the friend has gone and my expenses are STILL the same!!
This is something that is truly miraculous about me... I am the kind of person who will live like the world is ending tomorrow for the first half of the month, start scrimping on how I live for the second half and somehow still think it is acceptable to go out and blow up my last 300 bucks on the last ten days with no idea how I will manage if by some unforeseen circumstances I need money.
Now I'm in Bombay and I have no money in the account, my phone connection has been cut, I haven't bought any Christmas presents, I have to pay off my flight tickets, my credit on a pair of shoes, and pay for my New Year plans.... and I'm pretty optimistic...:)...
You see, I'm a strange combination of independence and dependence.... I now consider myself too independent to take money from my parents (other than maybe an agreed amount etc), but dependent enough to take money from my friends... Anything can be justified if you try hard enough, and I justify this to myself and everyone else saying 'well, it's just on loan, I'm paying it back.. so what's the big deal??'.. But yes, it is a big deal... especially when it becomes a habit, when it becomes something you expect, and finally, something you can't live without. Then you have a problem. There are many kinds of addictions, and I think this is just another kind... If you can keep spending with wild abandon and make it someone else s problem to make sure you survive, then that's not just spoilt and wilfull, it's irresponsible, dangerous, damaging and eventually quite degrading.
So before I get sucked into this horrific spiral once more, I've made arrangements to work my way through my stay here in Mumbai AND do it my way, do it large... After all, thank the stars I'm not afraid to work.. I'm willing to trudge my way through the dirt, rain and slush of Mumbai by day, if you'll pay me enough to clean up nice and party it up by night..
And for the people who are going to point out that I am in fact, still living off my parents while I have no job and relying on them to fund my education, I feel I have to clarify here that my point is not to never take assistance from my parents again, but to find their assistance sufficient.. to live within the means available to me... or finally, make the arrangements to substantiate what is already available.
Maybe I'm destined to be one of those people that lives pay cheque to pay cheque, after all, I shudder to think what my life would be without the parties, the fun, the tequila and the dancing... but I would consider the ability to claim that I can now 'barely survive' on my own to be a step in the right direction..:)
Friday, December 17, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Regress To Advance
There are certain things happening in my life, that involve someone else as well, and I would like nothing more than to write about it all here, in my blog, but I'm not very sure how acceptable that would be for the afore mentioned person. So let me try and be discreet, and write about it in the vaguest possible terms.
I'm in the city, and I've begun giving some thought to whether or not this guy and I have anything in common to make things work. We have the best time, we enjoy each others company and i don't think we're ever bored with each other, even if we're sitting around watching the television. But on the other hand, we argue a lot, mostly at the end of every night; we seem to have our own baggage and hang ups about the other person, and we seem to different from who we were and what we once wanted.
We seem to be always caught in this crossfire of who said what, who's changed how, who did what.. it's a battlefield of emotions, and pride and ego seem to winning.
It makes me wonder why it comes to this... We both seem to obviously want this to work, we're willing to go above and beyond to make it happen, so why do we seem intent on sabotaging it before it's had a chance to take off?? People say that ex's can't be friends. I always thought that we disproved that rule.. but maybe it is true because a true friendship will touch upon many things in your life, including your sexual exploits. And when you're looking to rekindle that flame, you're going into it with the knowledge of your previous decisions, previous flings and your previous mistakes... And the thought of all of this being possibly held up to scrutiny makes you cringe a little, get a little defensive, a little rude, a little aggressive... a little painful..:)
And it's tough to resist the temptation to flip the coin... while you may not want to be questioned yourself, you're just burning up with questions about what he 's been up to all this time... who did he see, who did he sleep with, who did he like, who did he go where with.. did he find someone better than me??... That is actually the ultimate question.. I don't think women who ask these questions really care what you did or where you went... we may care a little about who you did it with.. (especially if we know her)... but what we're really after is, 'did you find someone who compares with me'...
When people break up, they do a lot of different things to cope with it... and I'm not talking about something like binge drinking and retail therapy... that's short lived and expensive.. I'm thinking about the changes that people make in their lives so that they get up in the morning, get dressed, smile at themselves in the mirror and move on..
Some people use it as a wake up call to make the changes that they think need to be made in their lives, do the things that they wanted to do, some people bury their feelings and bury themselves, some people move on to have a relationship with their work place... whatever it may be that will help them move on.. So when you're on the threshold of a new relationship, you're pretty much messed up the way you are.. so what do you do?
I think you did what you had to do to move on, now something better is knocking at your door....don't blow it just because you've been an emotional wreck for the last two years, or you've shut down so much you're pretty much a vault, or you cleaned your apartment twelve times in seven days, so you're borderline OCD...!!... I say embrace life, thaw out, keep the good that's in you, keep the experience... but also allow your experience to help you recognize a good thing when you see it... and just go for it!... You can't spend the rest of your life looking back.. whether it's in remembrance of something that's now over or by clinging on to the breakup you...Maybe the second time around won't be markedly different, after all, we are still the same two people.. but it will be different..and what's in the past is in the past.. and who knows what the future will bring...
I'm in the city, and I've begun giving some thought to whether or not this guy and I have anything in common to make things work. We have the best time, we enjoy each others company and i don't think we're ever bored with each other, even if we're sitting around watching the television. But on the other hand, we argue a lot, mostly at the end of every night; we seem to have our own baggage and hang ups about the other person, and we seem to different from who we were and what we once wanted.
We seem to be always caught in this crossfire of who said what, who's changed how, who did what.. it's a battlefield of emotions, and pride and ego seem to winning.
It makes me wonder why it comes to this... We both seem to obviously want this to work, we're willing to go above and beyond to make it happen, so why do we seem intent on sabotaging it before it's had a chance to take off?? People say that ex's can't be friends. I always thought that we disproved that rule.. but maybe it is true because a true friendship will touch upon many things in your life, including your sexual exploits. And when you're looking to rekindle that flame, you're going into it with the knowledge of your previous decisions, previous flings and your previous mistakes... And the thought of all of this being possibly held up to scrutiny makes you cringe a little, get a little defensive, a little rude, a little aggressive... a little painful..:)
And it's tough to resist the temptation to flip the coin... while you may not want to be questioned yourself, you're just burning up with questions about what he 's been up to all this time... who did he see, who did he sleep with, who did he like, who did he go where with.. did he find someone better than me??... That is actually the ultimate question.. I don't think women who ask these questions really care what you did or where you went... we may care a little about who you did it with.. (especially if we know her)... but what we're really after is, 'did you find someone who compares with me'...
When people break up, they do a lot of different things to cope with it... and I'm not talking about something like binge drinking and retail therapy... that's short lived and expensive.. I'm thinking about the changes that people make in their lives so that they get up in the morning, get dressed, smile at themselves in the mirror and move on..
Some people use it as a wake up call to make the changes that they think need to be made in their lives, do the things that they wanted to do, some people bury their feelings and bury themselves, some people move on to have a relationship with their work place... whatever it may be that will help them move on.. So when you're on the threshold of a new relationship, you're pretty much messed up the way you are.. so what do you do?
I think you did what you had to do to move on, now something better is knocking at your door....don't blow it just because you've been an emotional wreck for the last two years, or you've shut down so much you're pretty much a vault, or you cleaned your apartment twelve times in seven days, so you're borderline OCD...!!... I say embrace life, thaw out, keep the good that's in you, keep the experience... but also allow your experience to help you recognize a good thing when you see it... and just go for it!... You can't spend the rest of your life looking back.. whether it's in remembrance of something that's now over or by clinging on to the breakup you...Maybe the second time around won't be markedly different, after all, we are still the same two people.. but it will be different..and what's in the past is in the past.. and who knows what the future will bring...
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