At the brink of oblivion

I find myself toying with the idea of maybe letting this blog go. Or more realistically speaking, I'm thinking of paying less attention to it. The reason I'm doing this is because I am finding it increasingly dissatisfying to write in this space and receive no feedback, interaction or even general interest from my readers. To be honest, I'm not even sure if I have readers!

When I started this blog, I had no idea that it would take off and generate the kind of interest from my friends, and even friends of friends, that it did. It was intended to be primarily for me, as an outlet for my thoughts and emotions, and a tool with which to hone my writing skills. Then as each post I added was received with more followers and support, the blog also became about my readers, and my ability to engage with them through my words. And now I suppose the Leo in me is simply not happy with this sudden lack of interest.

It could be perceived that I'm throwing a tantrum (which I most certainly am), but I also must point out that I feel a loyalty and responsibility to my 20 followers to keep this blog updated, and interesting, and witty and entertaining (achieving the last two is no easy feat)... and all a girl wants is some vocal support for cryin' out loud!!

So come on people, if you want this blog to continue, comment, engage, spread the word, follow.. MAKE ME HAPPY!!

Bangalore Autos... Of the people..... But FOR the people??

This post is about a subject very close to my heart... The Indian public transport system... Or rather, its lack of a system.
I considered myself a person who can be a little short tempered, and sometimes even bitchy and nasty, but never someone who actively harbored any hatred towards someone else.... till I came to Bangalore. I actually am starting to actively HATE Bangalore auto drivers. Every last one of them.
I honestly want to know why they have a meter if they don't bother to use it? Or if they do bother to use it, on what grounds are we expected to pay them 10 bucks extra? And why do they think it is justified to ask someone to pay 50 bucks to travel less than two kilometres.. even better, how do they have the audacity to suggest such a thing.. with a straight face!! The ones I can never get over are when they ask you to pay them double the meter reading, when at the most the law says you should pay them 1 and a 1/2, or when I have to shell out a 120 bucks to travel a distance I can walk in under ten minutes, just because it's 11.30 PM.
And because I can't come up with any plausible explanation for this behavior other than the obvious 'they're just crooks', I frequently pose this question to the drivers in question. Their responses range from the ludicrous (It's night, so we can charge extra... ???!!!?) to the illogical (we won't get a return passenger... this is my problem because..?), to the generally annoying (the sheepish smile and vague shrug..... oh my god! say something!!), to the aggressive (because I said so, and I know you won't get another ric for a while) and the downright egotistical (It's my due...it's really really not..)
And what really annoys me about Bangalore auto drivers is that they're inconsistent crooks. Once you have finished haggling with them, they start the whole process again on reaching your destination demanding additional compensation for a three minute traffic jam you encountered twenty minutes ago. You just can't trust the guys!
And really? We have to pay them extra because they hit traffic?? Geez, what are the chances of that happening?!
But in all honesty, our ric drivers have the most warped view on how to do their job... they think they're doing us a favor by giving us a lift, but they're being paid for it... They can't even follow through on their thought process of doing us a favor because they'll refuse to take us where we want to go... They think we have to pay for any hardship in their job - from a petrol hike to a road block.. Can you imagine if we went to work everyday and tried to sell this kind of attitude?
The strange thing is that I'm not alone in my daily misery, there's a whole city full of people sharing my plight.. and my fury, and yet somehow no one seems to be able to do anything about it. From staging city wide coups of boycotting auto rickshaws, to generally raging and screaming individually everyday, we still seem to be losing this battle.
The problem is, you can only win an argument when the other party concedes that you won. When you're faced with this stony, implacable, 'deal with it' glare, your only choice it appears, is to subside and seethe within.

To thine own self be true?

The other day, I was speaking with my father and he was telling me that now that I have been granted admission to Symbiosis I should perhaps consider the idea of giving up my blog. Although he admits to having never read my blog, he feels that the content might be a little too 'liberal' - what I think he actually meant was 'racy'.

I don't know what he thinks I'm writing about here, but I'm pretty sure he equates it to something like soft porn.. and the idea of his darling little girl, the apple of his eye, his pretty Polly fairy queen (he actually used to call us that), writing about things that I'm sure he would prefer he, and nobody else ever hears about, is just too much for him to handle :)

I have to sympathize with the poor guy though. He was stuck in a family of women, with two daughters who grew up to take completely after their mother, who shocked his poor malyalee, traditional, family oriented sensibilities; blazing their way through life completely comfortable with their own sexuality; and seemingly willing to do whatever they felt like, despite his best efforts rein them in!

Although I have to commend him a little bit on adapting. Despite stepping on my toes a little by suggesting I stop writing in this blog, it was still a step better than maybe demanding that I do so.

While I do still think it is completely unacceptable to go around telling people to stop writing in their blog because it hurts your sensibilities, I also know he's coming from a good place, where he thinks maybe I'm a little misguided, a little rebellious or even a little attention seeking and he thinks he's telling me what's best for me - despite the fact that I consider myself to be quite an intelligent, street smart albeit mathematically challenged human being.

I think the reason he insists on trying to get me to stop, is because he thinks I don't understand the potential perils of being so outspoken about what I believe, that one day I'll pay for it. But what he doesn't understand, or possibly can't fathom is that I, unlike him, don't give a damn.. If I had a penny for the number of times I've been told that 'man is not an island' and 'we live in a society' and 'family is everything' or 'blood is thicker than water' (which is also complete bull by the way), I would be a far richer person than I am today... these are all things that you are raised believing, but at some point your own brain kicks in and I say, no, man is not an island unto himself but I also don't have to mold myself into copy of everyone else, spouting the usual socially acceptable drivel that most people seem happy to indulge in. Come on! Doesn't anyone ever aspire to be something more?! And it's not like am running around using foul language, cursing and abusing everyone I pass. In my head, all this goes to show is how shaky and fragile this society that everyone places such importance in actually is. The fact that people are so threatened by free speech and free thought and heaven forbid, free action goes to show just how little people believe in their own foundation.

And this concept of blood being thicker than water that people love to throw about doesn't hold much weight for me either. The fact that people are so afraid of what their family and relatives will think, and how they'll 'talk', goes to show that blood then, is in fact not thicker than water. Family is supposed to love you unconditionally and support you, not terrorize you, and talk about you, and definitely not love you despite you being different but because you are. I stand firm to my belief that a family that will talk about you behind your back or shake their head woefully for you being who you are, and holds you at gunpoint to fit in, but still jumps up to bail you out of trouble because they think that's what families should do, is not really family after all. My family would be those individual people who have watched my back 365 days a year, fought with me, argued with me, and made me feel good about the person I am.. those people are the ones that I would turn to for help when I need it, and I hope they would expect the same from me.

So yes, despite the shock and outrage that my blog seems to inspire, or the discomfort and possible embarrassment to my family, I would say that there are some things in life that are truly yours.. and this is one of them. So the blog stays.

The End

After a short but very sweet not-so-summer fling, me and my mystery man decided to call it quits last night. For once, it was a very civilized break up, which I suppose just made it a more poignant moment than otherwise.

After having tried to do it everybody else's way but mine, I finally decided to pay attention to my own heart. So we had a talk, a long one.. filled with those loaded silences that these talks are usually accompanied with. What it boiled down to was that neither one of us was willing to budge. He wasn't willing to open himself up to me - period, and I wasn't willing to settle for less.

Unfortunately for me, I have too much to give someone, to be with someone who can't return the feeling. I think this could be the universe's twisted sense of humor, to send me a guy that is fun, interesting and good looking, everything a girl like me could want, and make him completely emotionally disconnected from me.

So here I am, sitting in office, indulging in a lot of wistful sighing, wearing my blinding Green kurta to help brighten up my day.. But I am proud of myself for knowing myself enough, for standing up for what I want, and for not believing I should settle for less, ever.. even if it's only for a few months.

It was to be honest, no matter how short lived, one of the nicest times I've had.. and I'm going to miss the chatting and laughing, lounging on the sofa watching Burn Notice, cracking up over the Simpsons, dissing the Indian commercials, learning about football, and texting all day long... and after a little more sighing and moping I'm going to file it away in my mind as a lovely memory.. and I suppose in the end, c'est la vie, right?

A little bit of this and that...

I decided I needed to take a break from my blog for a while again, not because I'm losing interest in sharing about my life, but because I realized that there are somethings that I don't feel like sharing. It appears that while I have no problem talking to the world in general about my sex life, and even the more personal, intimate aspects of my (usually nonexistent) love life, I completely balk at the prospect of admitting to something I find humiliating.

For those of you who haven't really been keeping up with my life (you bastards), I've been granted admission to Symbiosis University in Pune for their Media and Communications course..(you may applaud if you wish). Of course, nothing in life comes easy right? So after having struggled with the entrance test, group exercise and the personal interview, when I thought it would all be smooth sailing from there, they floored me with the obscene cost factor.

But that aside, the reason I've been pretty much under the radar the last few weeks is because I feel an obligation to my readers to write about everything that's happening in my life.. and that includes an accounting of the night I got disgustingly drunk at my own celebration over symbiosis and proceeded to unleash my theatrical side complete with tears and upset on a captive audience... it was not well received..:)

So ever since then I've been putting off the idea of writing anything here, because truth be told, that's a night I would much rather forget

To be honest though, even beyond being embarrassed about that night, I've been chickening out of writing anything further because I've realized there are some things I want to keep private. Particularly, whatever this is with the current gentleman in my life. It appears that this is one time where there really are too many cooks spoiling the broth.. and more important than that, they're making me lose my mind!

I think the fact of the matter is that I find myself completely spiraling off course the more I talk about it.. every one has an opinion, every one has their two cents, all of which differ from what I have to say! Is it any wonder I was so confused?! But now I've decided that I'm not an idiot, and I know what I want and what's best for me, so enough with the talking! Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the girl talk and the gossiping and the sharing, but it just turns out that this is not one of those times. Not surprisingly though, some of the best advice I received was from guys.. In a nutshell it all pretty much boiled down to 'relax'.. which I did. After having cut out all the talking and obsessing, I'm finally left with only my voice in my head once more.. oh peace, blissful peace..:)

So that's where it's at, and that's where I'm at.. and that in all honesty is why I have been callously ignoring you and my blog the last few weeks.. But in my defense I have been waiting for something stupendously interesting to talk to you all about... which reading back on this post has obviously not happened yet... so well, my apologies..:)