Can women be cheerful and chunky too?!

The other night my best friend and I were chatting about our eternal struggle with weight. Somewhere between 24 and 27 years old my body stopped letting me binge eat junk food and guzzle down litres of beer without it appearing in the most unflattering way.. and in the most unflattering places.

While we were chatting she said something interesting to me. Her husband in exasperation had asked her "Why are you so concerned about it? We're married, there's no one left to impress!" I thought the sentiment deserved some contemplation. See, on the one hand he is right. Why are we as women so concerned about how we look, fretting and moaning over each pound gained? Why does it matter quite so much to us? This made me wonder, "Why can't women be cheerful and chunky too?"

My sister who was with us said something even more interesting to my friend. She said, "honey, don't become one of those women that let's themselves go after marriage." (A joke I'm sure). But it struck me that this is yet another facet of women's perception of weight that deserves looking into. Are we to assume that the woman who gets fat after marriage has somehow let herself (and possibly her husband and children) down? And that a woman who doesn't allow herself to fall into this trap is worthy of respect and praise?

Yes and no. On the one hand society celebrates the fit and strong, and looks down on the weak and unfit. And as evolved as the human race has become, this primitive, instinctual analysis of our 'herd' has not changed.

But on the other hand does the woman who stays fit after marriage somehow symbolise happiness and self-worth? Is it really so black and white? From personal experience I can say that I have never been happier than I am in my marriage. And if I have put on weight in recent years it's only because I'm having such a darned good time. Having lived predominantly with only women earlier it was easy to watch my weight (women watch other women's diets so closely I'm surprised we eat anything at all!), and moving in with my foodie husband was liberating.

But we as a society never look deeply enough into why women maintain the weight they do. If a woman is overweight does it necessarily mean that she is careless, sloppy and doesn't have the self esteem to look after herself? Or could it mean that she is filled with hope, happpiness, joie de vivre and a few kilos don't matter to her in the grand scheme of things?

If a woman is fit, toned and sporting a size zero dress does that mean that she's got it made? Does it mean she's successful, and happy, at peace with her body and life? Or could she also be struggling to stay on top of this rat race that's fashion and lifestyle in the 21st century, counting calories and never truly letting her hair down?

Or could it be that for many women, fat, medium or thin, that's just their body? What an incredible idea!

At the end of this diatribe you should know that I'm going on a diet, because I 'don't want to let myself go'. And when I squeeze into dresses currently too tight for me I'm sure I'll be happy, but the part I want to remember at that time is that I am already happy. This is just some frosting on the cake.

Growing pains? Not so much

In 2011, I withdrew from the world of blogging, imagining (incorrectly) that I was 'getting too old for it'. I berated myself for being too much of an open book, and having such an external locus of identity that I needed to share my every waking thought and emotion with the world at large.

I think perhaps there was some truth to it. I've always had to be the one with the best story, which invariably leads to me sharing just a little too much information.. to the discomfort of both me and my audience sometimes. But in the past three years several things have happened.

1. I went away to college and got my post graduate degree in journalism
2. I met a wonderful man and got married
3. We adopted two ridiculously cute cats
4. I resumed work and I'm employed as a content writer with a local NGO
5. I learned how to be happy (happier) with myself, and by myself

It occurred to me that I believed that I was leading this charmed existence of parties, alcohol and a seemingly unlimited supply of money (seriously how did I manage?!), and it was loads of fun. But I had no idea who I was beyond the glossy exterior, and because I didn't know any better I mirrored myself based on the world's expectations of me.

I tried to be the world's best daughter to my mother, the Carrie-est Bradshaw of them all to my girl friends, and the local femme fatale to the boys. But somewhere along the way I started to snap out of my Sweet Valley High perception of life.

I started to see the world around me as it really is. When it rains the world looks slushy and sloppy, and not like the sexy dance scene in Step Up 2, when couples fight it can get ugly and angry, not steamy and delicious like a Mills & Boons novel. Sometimes we'll both be too angry with each other to apologize first, all of our friends and family will not stick by us through thick and thin, jobs sometimes suck and money can start becoming a problem. Such a despairing point of view to adopt isn't it? Not really. I found that when I emerged from my candy-floss view of life, and got over resenting growing up, I was quite enjoying it.

Yes I pay taxes, do grocery shopping, and our cats stop us from just taking off into the horizon on a whim, but it's still great, because it's real. Oh I do still have evenings where I drink too much, wake up with a hangover and swear I need to grow up a little more, but the biggest thing I've learned is that life is not all black and white the way i used to think it was. I am neither teenager nor adult. I'm neither childish nor mature. Happy or unhappy. Smart or stupid. I am all of these things for some time, at different points of time, and it's been embracing this concept that has made me realise that whatever else i am, for the most part I am content.

Making over

Over the past year I have shared nearly every thought, emotion, upset and hurt I've been feeling on this blog, and while it's been extremely purging and satisfying , I find myself wondering whether this is the path I want to continue on.
This blog has always been about me, about my life, my men, my mistakes and my triumphs. But now I feel like there is a part of myself that has matured beyond wanting to air it all out. My readers have always been loyal, understanding, slow to judge and always, always with a sense of humour and I have felt comfortable exposing my silly mistakes, my sometimes very bad romantic decisions and my controversial points of view safe in the knowledge that at the end of the day there will be little harm done from them.
I am not going to end this blog, as I feel I always have something of relevance to say :) but I will be changing what I write about. I think it's time for a change, and while I evolve I want my blog to evolve with me.
So keeping with that, the first thing I'd like to change is the name of this blog. Most of you who know me and who have been keeping yourself updated on this blog now know the kind of person I am. So your suggestions would be more than welcome. Because to me, this blog is now not only about me, but about my readers as well... And also because I seem to lack any imagination whatsoever where it comes to naming this blog. So please go nuts.. and help me bring 'The Ramblings of a (no longer teenage) drama queen' into the adult era.. :)..

It's time to clean house

Something that has always bugged me about this country is the level of corruption that everyone seems to stoop to so very easily. The kind that really affects you in your life everyday. The auto driver who refuses to use the meter, and charges extra because he knows he can, the vegetable wallah that gives you rotten food or cheats on the weighing scale to make a few extra bucks, the maids or the drivers who steal from you when your back is turned...

Somehow we've learnt to live with all these forms of corruption, and even turned them into 'Indianisms' in our head to help pave the way.. But the one that really gets to me, that I just cannot seem to stomach is the state of our police force.

I find it unforgivable that the institution set into place to instill a sense of security and comfort in the minds of the people, actually serves to terrorize and loot from the very people they are meant to protect.

I've always known the disposition cops have towards making the easy buck, whether it's from someone speeding, cutting a red light or even drinking and driving. And I too have always rolled my eyes at the corrupt ways of our nation but been party to the begging and pleading for another chance, and finally the covert exchange of a few hundreds.. which today has become a few thousands! I guess inflation misses no quarters!

But the last weekend, I was in Mumbai and as is the norm, I got tossed out of Tavern in Colaba with my drink in hand, when the place shut. While I was finishing up my drink, we were standing on the front porch of the hotel, taking pictures and generally having a good time with no objection from the hotel staff. We suddenly had two cops pull up in front of us on bikes demanding to know from my two (male) friends how they can allow a girl stand on the street and drink! Heaven forbid! They were backed up by two more cops who showed up on bikes (to add to the show of police dominance, or to get their cut of the cash I assume). We were spared the pain of having to fork up the money since the hotel staff vouched for us, but I did have to suffer the indignity of being shuttled out of sight with my beer glass into a taxi, and then having it taken away from me to pacify the brutes.

The very next night, when I got back to Pune we went out for a few drinks for a friends birthday. We left the place at 11.30 pm, in two taxis to make our way back to hostel. Around twelve, the second taxi, transporting two male and one female companion was stopped at a check post. We discovered the taxi was in fact a private vehicle, and the driver didn't have the necessary papers. This was all it took for the cops to get into character. I've seen moral policing before, but this time they took it beyond anything I've ever heard of.. Unfortunately, I wasn't surprised. They demanded to know their details of course, and then refused to believe that the three (my friends) were students of Symbiosis since the college has not issued any identification to us (three months into the course). They went from dominating and aggressive to downright sleazy by asking the girl in question if one of the men was her 'lover'. Upon her indignant denial, they shrugged and said it looks that way. Why that would even be relevant to the situation is anyones guess. And to me, the situation still stands at not being anyone's problem but the taxi driver's, but there you have it. They focus on targeting their accusations to the people who will be able to hand over the money and not the people actually at fault.
My three friends were held on the street by the cops for over an hour, at twelve at night, with no money, while the cops hurled accusations at them. True to form, the cops demanded Rs 3000/- from them (on what grounds I'm not sure) else they were taking them all to jail! Despite the law clearly stating that cops cannot arrest a woman after sun down, unless a female cop is present. They badgered and terrorized these three 21 year old kids, who are barely out of grad school; who barely have any life experience or cash; who should ideally look to their local police to safeguard their rights and interests, with no concern for their well being.

Unfortunately, the reason why my friends could not argue with the cops if they wanted to, aside from the general fear of going to prison, was because they were in the wrong as well. They were 21 years old and under the influence of alcohol, while the legal drinking age in Maharashtra is 25.

As a nation, I believe we have an inherent predisposition towards breaking the rules. Even as citizens we are unable to follow traffic signals, wait our turn in queues, follow the speed limit, not drink before the accepted age limit, not drink and drive.. the list goes on.

But my quarrel with the cops is that yes, as citizens we have much to do to improve, but by god, so do they! They could have penalized the taxi driver for not having his papers in order, and my friends for drinking under the age limit. They could have taken the men to the cop station if needed and let the lady carry on, to be summoned after sun rise. They did not have to delve into matters of no concern to them. Who was anyone's lover in that car was no issue to anyone except the consenting adults involved.

I find it unfortunate that as a citizen of this country, I can honestly say that I would never trust a cop, that I would trust a civilian in my hour of need over a cop. I do acknowledge that there are decent, honest members of the police force out there, but they're so few and far between, I wouldn't risk placing my life in the hands of the wrong one.

The entire message survives in a vicious cycle of information. Our own media, our television and our movies, propagate characteristics - the threatening, aggressive cop; the violent bearer of justice; the stern upholder of morality.. all of which are sure enough, fulfilled in real life by our lumpy, dumpy wholly unimpressive police force.

I think its time, as a matter of personal choice, that people stop indulging themselves and the system. The reason this has gone on so long, is because we as citizens are no less at fault against the charge of indulging or abetting corruption than the cops are. I'm not suggesting we start a revolution to over throw the system here. I believe the system has been put in place for a reason, and it could work. But we as believers in a better way, have to stop taking the easy way out, so that when we stay strong and fight against corruption, we actually have a leg to stand on.

Here's to having faith

With my relationship having gone up in smoke, I've spent the last few weeks concentrating on class, friends and the like. It's been good, and I've been trying to teach myself to stop leaning towards finding someone new.

Since my break up with what could be the great love of my life two years ago, I've drfted from one short, meaningless relationship to the next trying to replicate the love and companionship that I had previously shared. I've been told that what I had with this man is the real thing, and that he is my 'eternal'. Sometimes I'm tempted to think the same. It seems like the kind of thing that would last forever. Unfortunately we just ran out of fizzle.

Seems like a rather frivolous reason to send the relationship down the toilet doesn't it? But both of us being immensely physical people, this situation just didn't seem feasible anymore. Don't get me wrong, we did think it over several times. Every few months to be precise. After all, how could two people who obviously love each other like crazy not date just because there's no spark?? That kind of thing can be worked on, right?.. Wrong. Trust me, we tried. And eventually we started to do too much damage to how we see each other even out of the bedroom. And it shouldn't have to be so hard. So finally, one say we said enough. That we will never try to make this work again.. And that's the story of how the love of my life became my best friend.

Unfortunately that brings me to where I am today. With a history of trying to fill the gap. It seems difficult for me to believe that I will find someone who I can connect with the way I did with my ex boyfriend, but I have to believe that there is someone like that out there and when I'm older and wiser I'll find him and we'll live happily ever after.. Otherwise, I'm screwed.

The Verdict

I have recently discovered that my prince was in fact a frog.

A need to understand what happened and why, led me to do a little investigating about the man I had served my heart up on a platter to. It turns out that I was nothing more than the latest victim in his line of conquests.. his con job, if you will.

I am sure there are going to be people who will think that this is the rant of a bitter woman, those who will stand by him and defend him.. But this is what I have heard, and from his actions, what I'm inclined to agree with.

I don't believe in confrontations and tantrums, I'm not interested in an apology (which I doubt he's interested in giving), I'm not even interested in explanations. I want nothing more to do with him, for if this is his caliber, he is no where close to the man I credited him with being.. and I judge him very harshly.

Shit.

Im not sure what to say about it.. I'm not sure I really understand..
Well actually my brain gets it, but somewhere along the way it all gets muddled up in my head and I don't know what to think.
Maybe it's silly to get upset about it, after all it was only three months, and it probably was more trouble than it was worth.. but still..
I know we were arguing a lot, and I wasn't surprised when he told me it was over, but I suppose somewhere I hoped that we wouldn't come to that.
But we did, and he seemed very sure that this is what he wanted, so I don't harbour any hope that things will work out for us, and i dont harbour any (real) ill will against him..
I don't know what I'm really upset about.. the fact that I pinned so many hopes on this, the fact that I had invested so much into it, or that I thought we were both in it for the long run, or the fact that it turns out he wasn't.
Either way, Im upset and annoyed, and I don't have anything to say.. more so because all my brain keeps coming up with is 'what just happened'....I get it.. and yet I don't.