Preparing to launch

"You know what’s weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change, but pretty soon, everything’s different"... I found this on a friends Facebook wall, and I was intrigued by the statement.

I have done nothing but spend the last few months in Bangalore cribbing about how nothing changes, and each day just drifts into the next. And now suddenly, here I am on the precipice of change, and I find it daunting to say the least.

Looking back on the last few weeks, I wasn't terribly excited about the idea of going to Symbiosis.. In fact, I was quite ambivalent about the whole thing. I had hardly given it more than a second thought. And yet, suddenly, here I am, on the last week of my job and suddenly everything is going to start moving so fast!

I have six days to quit, barely a few days to get reoriented, then I shoot off to Goa, followed by Cochin, and I come back to Bangalore with barely enough time to pack, say my goodbyes and leave for Pune. Aaah!

Now I know this is a good thing because I am ready to leave Bangalore and I think it's been adequately established that Bangalore is definitely not the place for me, but still..... i HATE change!.. it's so ugh!....

Alright, so this is not going to be my most eloquent post... But you'll forgive me I'm sure, as I'm indulging in a moment of personal trauma.

I find myself watching my suitcase above the cupboard like it's a time bomb and the day I pull it down and dust it off, is the day the clock starts ticking... Not a pleasant feeling I assure you. However, soon the moment passes and my apprehension is replaced by an almost manic sense of buoyancy at the prospect of moving on to the next stage of my life.. Really, throw some hot flashes in with these mood swings, and I think I'll be ready for early menopause!

But reading back on this post, and all things considered... and my usual mental stability taken into account, I think I'm in a good place.. don't you think? :)

This game of love :)

I have come to the not so startling revelation that I don't like not getting what I want.

Now this is usually a problem for me only when it comes to men. Everything else has only a certain number of conditions that are usually met through hard work and persistence.

However, unfortunately, hard work and persistence don't seem to really produce the desired results where men are concerned, due to annoying factors like stubbornness, a conscience, and worst of all, a mind of their own.

This whole thing that men only think with their umm, staff, is all bull.. there are quite a few of them who don't. Whatever happened to just satisfying good old curiosity anyway?? :)

Before I come off sounding completely sex starved, I must clarify.. Its not that I've been living a nun like existence and I'm ready to start climbing the walls (though Im sure there are a few people who wished that was in fact the case, like my father), but if I were to be completely and brutally honest with myself, it all boils down to ego.

My ego is so huge, that I cannot fathom not getting a guy I want, and it drives me to distraction that no amount of flirting, plain speech, batting my eye lashes and short skirts do the trick. For me, flirting and flings are a game (relationships I take much more seriously), and I always win.. that's just the way it's been..:)

And while I can concede defeat where necessary, I have no intention of changing a thing..I guess I do have a competitive side after all.

So this is what Hell's like....

When my boss came up to me on Wednesday evening to tell me he'd be working from home the next day, I didn't think much about it. Little did I know what was in store for me.

Being pretty obsessive about my work, I usually know what has to be done, by when.. so I had it all planned out in my head. My six PPTs were supposed to be ready to be shipped out by 1.00 PM, and I had the rest of the day to do whatever came my way. No biggie.

Everyone in life has a nemesis, and it turns out that mine is Microsoft Power Point. Aside from having a rather irrational fear of power point, my system at work decided to throw another spanner in the works by crashing every time I opened more than one presentation. But me being me, kept it cool, and just asked for a little more time to send them across.. By 4.30, when none of the presentations had been sent and the calls were beginning to come in, I was starting to feel the heat a little. And there's something a little more scary about international calls coming in to fire you rather than national.. it's almost like they're going to try and get their moneys worth. Would this be an appropriate time to mention that the air conditioner at work had given up the ghost as well?

Anyway, I finally managed to send them out only to have them fly straight back into my inbox with raging messages from the client about inconsistencies in color schemes (all due to a very bad brief), calculation errors (ok, my bad).. and then eventually something about a consolidated PPT deck created across all the others...(blink)...... By this time I was beginning to hyperventilate. Being cold and heartless as clients are meant to be, they just steam rolled through my panic and misty eyes, and continued to call every three minutes till I finally snapped and called my boss and dumped all over him.

Eventually, we never really got all the work done, it was 11.00 at night, and I was the last one at work, with no cab, and I needed to get home. So we prioritized, and got through as much as we could, and resigned ourselves to a filthy email in the morning.

Oh, to add to this, I am also pms-ing, and been off the nicotine for 48 hours.

Finally I lock up and leave, and of course cant find a ric, so I start trekking to the main road, and wouldn't you know it, I walk right into cow dung.. not just stamp in it but walk through a huge pile of it.. enough of it to actually slow me down (that's how I noticed it). By this time I was starting to lose my will to fight, so other than muttering a few curses, I just carried on.

When I reached home, you'd think that's the end of a god awful day, but wait, I have to keep working! As I struggle to finish my days work, I somehow drop my phone, annoy my mother and to cap it off, my computer stalls! Finally, finally I finish up, and all that's left is to send the damn file out.. surprise surprise, the website is down. So an hour later, at 2.45 to be precise, the possibly worst day of my life thankfully draws to a close..

I usually end all my posts on a relatively optimistic and uplifting note, but I can't think of anything salvageable about this day. So my advice to you is, if you find your day turning down this path, call in sick for the rest of the day, run home, crawl under your blanket and go to sleep.

A woman reunited with herself...

This morning I woke up and realized that I cannot remember the last time I actually took the time to relax and just be....

I suppose it all started with general boredom, but somehow as life progresses with this frantic need for constant entertainment, you tend to lose focus on yourself amidst the whirl of friends, going out, parties, game nights, gossip and sometimes arguments and drama..

Now for those of you who are wondering what's happened now, nothing really triggered this off.. It's just that I believe that even your soul has a voice, and if you go long enough without paying attention to yourself, you start feeling it crying out for attention and time..

I've found that from the moment I wake up in the morning to the moment I'm falling asleep at night, my every thought is centered around someone else and I'm not talking about this in an altruistic way. I mean that while my thoughts may be connected to me, they are also so intertwined with what someone else may have said, thought, suggested, what they may think of me, why they haven't done something, why they did something, whether they're annoyed at me, whether i'm reading too much into a look or a face or a situation, whether we're getting on each others nerves..And these are normal, everyday human thoughts that just flit through your mind, and become a part of your conversation and a part of your life before you realize the toll they're taking on you. I think the reason that we don't feel the weight of our thoughts is because they're spread out over the many people that you care about and come in contact with in an average day.

Well today, I woke up, made myself a cup of tea, stood in a small patch of sunlight on my balcony and took a deep breath and just enjoyed the moment of absolute silence.. and it's as simple as that.. It's not that I forgot who I was or lost myself.. I just forgot to pay attention to myself.. beyond the obvious taking care of my food, water, clothing and shelter.. I forgot to give my self some peace and quiet, I wrote off spending time alone as boring, I stopped pampering myself with long showers and music in the back ground, and walks in the sun, and shopping for good, decent books to read. I forgot that friends and family while I love them, do need time apart from each other to keep things good, and most importantly, whether you like it or not.. I forgot that familiarity will breed contempt.